Mr. T, Star Wars, Newhart, CDC muzzled, NASA chief quits, Chuck E. Cheese cheats, Distraction!
(permalink)

Published Thursday, May 21, 2020 @ 12:00 AM EDT
May 21 2020

Note: KGB Report will return on Tuesday, May 26. The Memorial Day weekend is when we traditionally clean up, reconfigure, and re-wire the office. And it's been a tough year...

Today is Tuesday, May 21st, the 142nd day of the year in the Gregorian calendar. 224 days remain until the end of the year.

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Among other things, today is American Red Cross Founder's Day, Ascension, Brown Bag It Thursday, Global Accessibility Awareness Day, Hummus Day, I Need a Patch for That Day, National Apéritif Day, National Memo Day, National Notebook Day, National Strawberries and Cream Day, National Waiters and Waitresses Day, Rapture Party Day, Sister Maria Hummel Day, and World Day for Cultural Diversity for Dialogue and Development.

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Mr. T is 68 today. (Video)

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On this day in 1980, The Empire Strikes Back was released. (Video)

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The last episode of Newhart aired on this day in 1990. (Video)

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'We've been muzzled': CDC sources say White House putting politics ahead of science.

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GOP fronts 'pro-Trump' doctors to prescribe rapid reopening.

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Two dam breaches in central Michigan force mass evacuations. (Video)

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Uh oh. Study shows 70% of consumers would rather watch new movies at home. 13% say they are more likely to watch at a local cinema (with 17% not sure).

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Trump threatens to withhold aid to two states over expanded voting by mail. President Trump on Wednesday threatened to halt federal funding to Michigan and Nevada over the distribution of absentee ballots in those states amid the ongoing coronavirus outbreak that has left more than 90,000 Americans dead.

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NASA's head of human spaceflight abruptly resigns, citing 'mistake'. The source familiar with the reason for Loverro's departure said the issue centered on contracts that were awarded earlier this year for development of lunar landers, or vehicles that can carry astronauts to the moon's surface.

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Trump announces executive order 'suspending' regulations impeding US economy. The order is about "instructing federal agencies to use any and all authority to waive, suspend and eliminate unnecessary regulations that impede economic recovery," Mr Trump said before signing it with a large black felt pen.

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Windows 10 warning: anger at Microsoft rises with serious new failure. Microsoft’s new KB4556799 Windows 10 update is causing a myriad of problems for users, including Blue Screen of Death (BSOD) crashes, deleted data, performance issues, broken audio and more. And users are not happy.

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Will government mandate COVID-19 vaccinations? The Congressional Research Service says the U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that "The states' general police power to promote public health and safety encompasses the authority to require mandatory vaccinations."" And states have all exercised that authority for children, usually allowing for some exceptions. CRS also says, "Congress, as a result of various enumerated powers in the Constitution, likewise has some authority over public health matters, including regulation of vaccination."

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Chuck E. Cheese tricks Grubhub customers with sneaky new name.

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Borowitz:

Trump Fears Painting of Obama at White House would spy on him.

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Thoughts of the day:

Any government which made the welfare of men depend on the character of their governors was an illusion.
-Daniel J. Boorstin

The difference between a democracy and a dictatorship is that in a democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a dictatorship you don't have to waste your time voting.
-Charles Bukowski

I try to avoid experience if I can. Most experience is bad.
-E.L. Doctorow

All scientifically possible technology and social change predicted in science fiction will come to pass, but none of it will work properly.
-Neil Gaiman

You have more to do than you can possibly do. You just need to feel good about your choices.
-David Allen

Distraction! (Video)




Things are really rough out there.
Please consider donating to Feeding America
.


Categories: Andy Borowitz; Bob Newhart; CDC; Chuck E. Cheese; Covid-19; Donald Trump; Microsoft; Mr. T; NASA; Star Wars; Vaccines; Windows


The web edition of KGB Report is published at least once a day, except on holidays. Follow KGB Report and my personal account on Facebook for frequent daily updates. Unless I get placed in Facebook jail because their stupid AI post scanner doesn't grasp the concept of satire.


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Jimmy Stewart, Cher, parallel universe, Batwoman, TMI in general
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Published Wednesday, May 20, 2020 @ 12:48 AM EDT
May 20 2020

Today is Tuesday, May 20th, the 141st day of the year in the Gregorian calendar. 225 days remain until the end of the year.

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Among other things, today is Be a Millionaire Day, Eliza Doolittle Day, Emergency Medical Services for Children Day, Flower Day, International Clinical Trials Day, National Quiche Lorraine Day, National Rescue Dog Day, Pick Strawberries Day, Turn Beauty Inside Out Day, World Autoimmune Arthritis Day, and World Bee Day.

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Remembering James "Jimmy" Stewart (May 20, 1908 - July 2, 1997) (Video)

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Remembering George Gobel (May 20, 1919 - February 24, 1991) (Video)

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Cher is 74 today.

(Video) Click here for a collection of quotes by Cher.

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Scientists in China believe new drug can stop pandemic 'without vaccine'. The drug uses neutralising antibodies- produced by the human immune system to prevent the virus infecting cells... isolated from the blood of 60 recovered patients.

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'Hard stop': States could lose National Guard virus workers. The Trump administration’s order ends deployments on June 24, just one day before thousands would qualify for education and retirement benefits.

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NASA scientists detect evidence of parallel universe where time runs backward. Maybe we can run it back to, say, 2016?

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Coronoavirus, murder hornets... what's next? 17-year cicadas to emerge in 3 states this spring, summer. Also... Rabbits are facing a deadly virus of their own. And this: The coronavirus pandemic could indirectly cause measles outbreaks, CDC warns.

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Trip of a lifetime with no end in sight- life on small boats stuck at sea. Thanks to quarantine orders, small recreational boaters are stuck where they are.

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Bicycle sales surge as Americans seek to avoid mass transit and get exercise.

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How a pizza shop owner reportedly turned DoorDash's own fee structure against it.

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Florida man who downplayed coronavirus as 'fake crisis' gets infected, warns others after ending up in ICU with wife.

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The scientist who created Florida's COVID-19 data portal wasn't just removed from her position on May 5, she was fired on Monday by the Department of Health, she said, for refusing to manipulate data.

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The pandemic is not all bad for all businesses... As coronavirus crushes small restaurants, big chains see room to move in.

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Batwoman bails. In a major surprise, Ruby Rose has departed the lead role on The CW's Batwoman after a single season. Producer Warner Bros. TV says the role will be recast.

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If you wash berries in salt water, little bugs will start to crawl out. At least they're not murder hornets.

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Borowitz:

New test indicates hydroxychloroquine causes delusions.
Trump orders Pence to start picking up Pompeo's laundry.

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Thoughts of the day:

"...the new Space Force flag... they clearly ripped off from Star Trek. Star Trek is a CBS property sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to cease and desist your copyright infringement or, at the very least, remove the tribble from your head."
-Stephen Colbert

"When a new baby laughs for the first time a new fairy is born, and as there are always new babies there are always new fairies. "
-J.M. Barrie

"Disease can never be conquered, can never be quelled by emotion's wailful screaming or faith's cymballic prayer. It can only be conquered by the energy of humanity and the cunning in the mind of man. In the patience of a Curie, in the enlightenment of a Faraday, a Rutherford, a Pasteur, a Nightingale, and all other apostles of light and cleanliness, rather than of a woebegone godliness, we shall find final deliverance from plague, pestilence, and famine."
-Sean O'Casey

"Nationalism is an infantile disease, the measles of mankind."
-Albert Einstein

"Physicians pour drugs of which they know little, to cure diseases of which they know less, into humans of which they know nothing."
-Voltaire (François Marie Arouet

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Things are really rough out there.
Please consider donating to Feeding America
.


Categories: Andy Borowitz; Animals; Batwoman; Cher; Covid-19; George Gobel; James Stewart; Jimmy Stewart


The web edition of KGB Report is published at least once a day, except on holidays. Follow KGB Report and my personal account on Facebook for frequent daily updates. Unless I get placed in Facebook jail because their stupid AI post scanner doesn't grasp the concept of satire.


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Oversleeping edition
(permalink)

Published Tuesday, May 19, 2020 @ 12:03 PM EDT
May 19 2020

We're very late today because I overslept. It happens, especially these days. Back to normal tomorrow.

Because most of our readers spend a lot of time waching cable news, here's a handy translation guide for:

Tabloid Translations:.
According to published reports: We got scooped.
Activist: Will talk to press.
All American: White kid caught in criminal act.
Allegedly: He did it but we can't prove it.
Beautiful: a woman who's been savagely murdered.
Beloved: Someone who's been around so long no one can stand them any more.
Blond: see "beautiful".
Brutally raped: raped.
Celebrity: He has a publicist.
Choked up: Definitely could have been crying.
Confirmed bachelor: see "Flamboyant".
Conflagration: what was a fire in the first paragraph, a blaze in the second and an inferno in the third.
Controversial: He did something bad but we're not sure what.
Couldn't be reached for comment: the reporter didn't call until after 5 p.m.
Dapper: Hasn't bought new clothes in 20 years.
Diminutive: under 5 feet tall.
Dogged by character issue: He screwed a floozy.
Effervescent: She won't shut up.
Elite: see prestigious.
Embattled: He should quit.
Entrepreneur: Hasn't made it yet, but we're doing a nice story about him.
Exclusive neighborhood/school/club: the reporter can't get in.
Exclusive: No one else returned the flack's calls.
Family Values: right wing idiot.
Feisty: Short, old female.
First in the modern history of: no Nexis entries.
Flamboyant: Homosexual.
Full-figured: tits out to here.
Gang: a group of white kids.
Gentleman bandit: he wore shoes instead of sneakers.
Good Samaritan: Too stupid to run away.
Guru: see "Self-styled".
Heiress: "Socialite," but able to hire a pricey divorce lawyer.
Hero cop: He got killed.
Hero firefighter: He put out a fire.
High-brow: boring.
Highly placed source: one who would talk.
Honor student: Dead kid registered for classes somewhere.
Hot button issue: only editors care about it.
Informed source: Reads the newspaper.
Innocent by-stander: Too slow to run away.
Intensely private: Not promoting anything right now.
Investigating: waiting for someone to drop a dime.
Knowledgable observer: The reporter.
Knowledgable observers: The reporter and the person at the next desk.
Legendary: about to die.
Long-time companion: they had sex.
Mean streets: slums.
Mega-mogul: Has made it, and is in process of losing it.
Moderate: fence straddler.
Modest, well-kept home: at least the cockroaches are dead.
Mogul: Has made it, and we're doing a hatchet job.
Never: no clips.
Outspoken: Rude man.
Petite: emaciated.
Plucky: someone who is very, very young, very, very old, or very, very short who is ambulatory.
Police task force: cops who were working on no-publicity cases yesterday.
Political Action Committee contribution: bribe.
Prestigious: has indoor plumbing.
Progressive: left wing idiot.
Rarely interviewed: Promoting something right now.
Recently: We lost the press release.
Reportedly: we stole this bit of information.
Savagely murdered: murdered.
Scandal-plagued: Guilty.
Scrappy: a runt.
Screen Legend: Reporter is too young to remember his movies.
Self-styled: Phony.
Sexy: better looking than reporter's mate.
Shapely: face like a mud fence.
Shocking revelation: leaked on a slow news day.
Socialite: woman without job who lives between 57th and 86th street, west of Lex and east of Fifth.
Source who spoke on condition of anonymity: flack.
Statuesque: Tits out even further.
Street-wise: Hasn't been hit by a bus so far.
Strident: Rude woman.
Stunned: couldn't give a decent quote.
Supermodel: her picture was printed somewhere.
Superstar: He has a publicist and an agent.
Tearful: Could have been crying.
Teen idol: Reporter is too old to have heard of him.
Temblor: Reporter has a thesaurus.
Tony neighborhood: has no McDonald's.
Towing industry expose: editor got a parking ticket.
Troubled youth: He lit something on fire.
Unclear, uncertain, unknown at press time: no one will tell us.
Venerable: Should be dead but isn't.
War-torn: We can't find it on a map.
Weeping: Tear spotted in one eye.
Wolf pack: a group of black kids.
Zaftig: fat.
"with News wire services": no original reporting whatsoever - we just changed the lede.


Categories:


The web edition of KGB Report is published at least once a day, except on holidays. Follow KGB Report and my personal account on Facebook for frequent daily updates. Unless I get placed in Facebook jail because their stupid AI post scanner doesn't grasp the concept of satire.


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Star Trek, Space Force, Marilyn, Mount St. Helens, NASA says don't worry...
(permalink)

Published Monday, May 18, 2020 @ 12:31 AM EDT
May 18 2020

Today is Monday, May 18, the 139th day of the year in the Gregorian calendar. 227 days remain until the end of the year.

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Among other things, today is HIV Vaccine Awareness Day, I Love Reese's® Day, International Museum Day, Mother Whistler Day. National Cheese Soufflé Day, National No Dirty Dishes Day, National Visit Your Relatives Day, Send an Electronic Greeting Card Day, and World AIDS Vaccine Day.

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Supreme Court debacle: On this date in 1896, the United States Supreme Court ruled in Plessy v. Ferguson that the "separate but equal" doctrine was constitutional.

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On this date in 1933 as part of the New Deal, President Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the act creating the Tennessee Valley Authority, a federally owned corporation created by congressional charter to provide navigation, flood control, electricity generation, fertilizer manufacturing, and economic development to the Tennessee Valley, a region particularly affected by the Great Depression.

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On this day 70 years ago, St. Louis Cardinals third baseman Tommy Glaviano made errors on three consecutive grounders in the bottom of the ninth, allowing the Brooklyn Dodgers a 9-8 victory. At least he could tell himself it wasn't, you know, something people would remember two decades into the next century or anything

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On this day in 1962, A birthday salute to U.S. President John F. Kennedy took place at Madison Square Garden, New York City. The highlight was Marilyn Monroe's rendition of "Happy Birthday." (Video)

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Tina Fey is 50 today. Click here for quotes by Tina Fey.

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On this date in 1980, Mount St. Helens in Washington state erupted, directly killing 57 people and releasing thermal energy equivalent to 26 megatons of TNT, over 1,700 times larger than the bomb dropped on Hiroshima, Japan in 1945. (Video)

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Ever listen to Trump ramble and wonder what he was asked about in the first place? Now it's a game you can play at home! From The Daily Show. (Video)

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This just about sums it up... (Video)

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Inside Trump's coronavirus meltdown. Again and again, the story that emerged is of a president who ignored increasingly urgent intelligence warnings from January, dismisses anyone who claims to know more than him and trusts no one outside a tiny coterie, led by his daughter Ivanka and her husband, Jared Kushner- the property developer who Trump has empowered to sideline the best-funded disaster response bureaucracy in the world. "It is as though we knew for a fact that 9/11 was going to happen for months, did nothing to prepare for it and then shrugged a few days later and said, 'Oh well, there's not much we can do about it,'" says Gregg Gonsalves, a public health scholar at Yale University. "Trump could have prevented mass deaths and he didn't."

Meanwhile, on Earth 2: Eric Trump accuses Democrats of "milking" coronavirus lockdowns to win the election.

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Borowitz: Trump says nation will have vaccine before it sees his taxes.

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Obama openly criticizes Trump administration's coronavirus response. (Video)

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'A lot to be hopeful for': Crisis seen as historic, not another Great Depression.

Related: Drastic makeover looms for world's most followed stock index. "The S&P committee is going to have to decide how long they want to wait before ditching COVID-damaged companies..."

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As cable TV fades, fearing 'the end of Comedy Central.' The network that made the careers of Dave Chappelle, Stephen Colbert and Amy Schumer has laid off top executives while looking to make shows that are cheaper to produce.

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Space Force launches robotic X-37B space plane on new mystery mission. While the X-37B's exact purpose is a secret, Space Force officials have revealed that the craft is packing numerous experiments on this trip to test out different systems in space. Some of those experiments include a small satellite called FalconSat-8, two NASA payloads designed to study the effects of radiation on different materials as well as seeds to grow food, and a power-beaming experiment using microwave energy. (story includes video)

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ViacomCBS, which owns Paramount and the Star Trek® franchise, should sue Trump for using the phrase "warp speed" for the vaccination projects and the delta shield emblem as the core of its Space Force logo. Not for intellectual property violations, but for damaging the value of its brand via association with a malignant miscreant.

And speaking of Star Trek, seven years ago today my wife and I saw "Star Trek: Into Darkness," by far the worst Star Trek film ever made.

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Meteor caught on doorbell camera. A Summerville, SC family caught a meteor entering Earth's atmosphere on their doorbell video camera early Thursday morning. The video, provided by the Giltner family, was taken around 12:42 a.m. (video)

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Trump 'spiritual adviser' Paula White imitates queen bee dance to declare end to the coronavirus pandemic.

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Expert's COVID-19 swimming pool study: chlorine no safety guarantee, high-level controls the way back to the water.

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Here's what a solar minimum is and why NASA says it's nothing to worry about. Some say the current cycle could be a repeat of the Dalton Minimum, which was one of the most extreme weather periods in history. The Dalton minimum was a period that lasted over three solar cycles from 1790-1830 and resulted in heavy snows, deep frost and general cooling around the globe. NASA scientists say there's no mini ice age on the horizon, because planetary warming due to climate change will offset the cycle. There. Feel better?

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Offered without comment: (Video)

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Thoughts of the day:

Among the rich you will never find a really generous man even by accident. They may give their money away, but they will never give themselves away; they are egotistic, secretive, dry as old bones. To be smart enough to get all that money you must be dull enough to want it.
-G.K. Chesterton

The written word will soon disappear and we'll no longer be able to read good prose like we used to could. This prospect does not gentle my thoughts or tranquil me toward the future.
-James Thurber

There are few things in life harder to find and more important to keep than love. Well, love and a birth certificate.
-Barack Obama

We can usually recognize the consequence of our actions. It is the consequence of our inaction that gets confused with the inevitable.
-Robert Brault

The more you know, the sadder you get.
-Stephen Colbert

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I'm a sucker for rescue dogs to begin with, but this sweetheart tore my heart out. Thank goodness she found a loving home with a great mom dedicated to caring for special needs dogs. (Video)



Things are really rough out there.
Please consider donating to Feeding America
.


Categories: Andy Borowitz; Barack Obama; Climate change; Comedy Central; Covid-19; Daily Show; Donald Trump; Eric Trump; FDR; Franklin Delano Roosevelt; John F. Kennedy; Marilyn Monroe; Meteors; Mount St. Helens; NASA; New Deal; Paula White; Rudy Giuliani; SCOTUS; Space Force; Star Trek; Supreme Court; Tennessee Valley Authority; The Sun; Tina Fey; Tommy Glaviano; Video; YouTube


The web edition of KGB Report is published at least once a day, except on holidays. Follow KGB Report and my personal account on Facebook for frequent daily updates. Unless I get placed in Facebook jail because their stupid AI post scanner doesn't grasp the concept of satire.


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Mickey remembered, Elsa whacked, fold your own viruses, secret spaceplane, big bang bust, Alaska tsunami, happy facts, tear gas ice cream
(permalink)

Published Friday, May 15, 2020 @ 4:15 AM EDT
May 15 2020

Forward this email to a friend. They can subscribe here.

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Today is Friday, May 15, the 136th day of the year in the Gregorian calendar. 230 days remain until the end of the year.

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Among other things, today is Bring Flowers to Someone Day, Endangered Species Day, HG Awareness Day, International Conscientious Objectors Day, International Day of Families, International MPS Awareness Day, International Virtual Assistants Day, NASCAR Day, National Bike to Work Day, National Chocolate Chip Day, National Defense Transportation Day, National Pizza Party Day, National Safety Dose Day, National Tuberous Sclerosis Day, Nylon Stockings Day, O. Henry Pun-off Day, Peace Officers Memorial Day, Relive Your Past By Listening to the First Music You Ever Bought No Matter What It Was No Excuses Day (here's mine), Shades Day, Straw Hat Day, and VBF Day of Awareness.

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Remembering L. Frank Baum (May 15, 1856 - May 6, 1919), an American author chiefly known for his children's books, particularly The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. Click here for quotes by L. Frank Baum.

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Madeleine Albright, former U.S. ambassador to the United Nations and the first female United States Secretary of State in history, is 83 today. Click here for quotes by Madeleine Albright.

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Remembering Clifton Fadiman (May 15, 1904 – June 20, 1999), an erudite essayist and editor whose affable wit delighted millions during his long reign as moderator of the popular "Information Please" radio quiz show and even longer tenure as senior editor of the Book of the Month Club. Click here for quotes by Clifton Fadiman.

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On this day in 1928, the Walt Disney character Mickey Mouse premiered in his first cartoon, a silent film called "Plane Crazy", in a test screening before a theater audience. Sound was added, and the film was later released as the fourth Mickey Mouse cartoon, after Steamboat Willie, The Gallopin' Caucho, and The Barn Dance. (Video)


The sound-added version of Plane Crazy, released a year later in 1929.

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Whistleblower Rick Bright's damning testimony on Trump's COVID-19 failures: A Closer Look (Video)

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Use your computer's idle time to fight disease. Folding@home (FAH or F@h) is a distributed computing project for simulating protein dynamics, including the process of protein folding and the movements of proteins implicated in a variety of diseases. It brings together citizen scientists who volunteer to run simulations of protein dynamics on their personal computers. Insights from this data are helping scientists to better understand biology, and providing new opportunities for developing therapeutics.

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There are sensible ways to reopen a country. then there's America's approach.

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Private jet company founded by Trump donor gets $27 million bailout. It's a grant, not a loan. The vast majority of the other 96 recipients of government funding or loans on the list are major commercial airlines, regional carriers or support companies.

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CDC releases scaled-back guidance on reopening after White House blocked earlier release. The new guidelines provide brief checklists meant to help key businesses and others operating in public reopen safely.

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McConnell admits he was wrong to say Obama administration failed to leave a pandemic playbook.

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McDonald's is going to look drastically different when it opens.

Related: On this date in 1940, Richard and Maurice McDonald opened the first McDonald's restaurant in San Bernardino.

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Opinion: stock market crash round 2 is coming.

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Delta Air to retire all of its 777 jets and replace them with Airbus SE aircraft in another hit for the beleaguered U.S. plane maker. Delta will continue flying its fleet of long-haul, next-generation Airbus A350-900s, which burn 21% less fuel per seat than the 777s they will replace, the airline said.

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Everything you need to know about a second round of coronavirus stimulus checks. TLDR: Good stuff, but McConnell and his GOP Senate goons will probably gut stuff that actually helps individuals.

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Cities crack down on food delivery app fees as restaurants struggle to survive.

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Nearly 40% of the poorest households hit with a job loss during pandemic, Fed study shows.

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Mysterious spaceplane prepares for launch on Saturday. The spacecraft may remain in orbit for two years. "What they're trying to do is anyone's guess."

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Scientists warn about risk of massive tsunami in Alaska's Prince William Sound, potentially within the next year. The scientists say an unstable slope sitting above Barry Glacier in Barry Arm, about 60 miles east of Anchorage, could slide into the water below — impacting tourists, fishermen and hunters, and potentially leading to a 30-foot wave...

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Is the Big Bang in crisis? Stubborn problems with dark matter, dark energy, and cosmic expansion have some astronomers rethinking what we know about the early universe.

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Hong Kong shop offers 'tear gas' flavor ice cream. The main ingredient is black peppercorns, a reminder of the pungent, peppery rounds fired by police on the streets of the semi-autonomous Chinese city during months of demonstrations last year. "We would like to make a flavor that reminds people that they still have to persist in the protest movement and don't lose their passion," he said.

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Stopped cold: 'Frozen' musical on Broadway not to reopen. Citing the "global pandemic," Thomas Schumacher, president and producer of Disney Theatrical Productions, said Thursday that running three Disney shows on Broadway was "untenable.""

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40 happy facts that'll make your day a little better.

"Fact: Sea otters hold hands when they sleep." Uh, you're going to have to do better than that. From 2003, some happy facts of my own:

100% TRUE
(and insipid)

1. At least two people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
No, wait a minute. Technically, your ferrets aren't really "people".

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
But be advised that two of those ways are felonies in most states.

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
...and they lack that interesting muscular aberration that helps you while away those lonely hours.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
And you thought forgetting to wear your dentures was a mistake.

5. Every night, someone thinks about you before they go to sleep.
Something along the lines of "I can't believe someone hasn't murdered that little bastard yet."

6. You mean the world to someone.
Someone with a vocabulary of one word, that word being "world"

7. If not for you, someone may not be living.
But since you skipped town before the paternity hearing, you'll never know.

8. You are special and unique.
Just like everyone else.

9. Someone that you don't even know exists, loves you.
Thanks to your ex, who posted that "special" picture of you on the Really Hot Amateurs porn site.

10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
Like discovering you really aren't cut out to be an air traffic controller.

11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take another look, you most likely turned your back on the world.
And the world is just waiting for you to bend over.

12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it. But if you believe in yourself, sooner or later, you may get exactly what you want.
Especially if what you want is arthritis, hair loss, erectile dysfunction and declining cognitive capabilities.

13. Always remember the compliments you receive; forget about the rude remarks.
No need to remember the rude remarks. You hear them incessantly, you being you and all.

14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you'll feel much better when they know.
Just be certain there are no witnesses.

15. If you have a great friend, take time to let them know that they are great.
And buy them a gift. Their Blow-Up Betty could use a patch kit.

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Borowitz: Trump wishes he could replace Fauci with the doctor who saved him from Vietnam, Obama unworried about Trump accusing him of crime because Bill Barr does not prosecute criminals.

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Florida man attacks victim who didn't thank him for holding open door to liquor store, deputies say.

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Thoughts of the day:

Today is Mark Zuckerberg's birthday. I don't care, I just wanted to give away some of his personal information.
-Seth Meyers

The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers.
-Scott Adams

I've never been quarantined, but the more I look around, the more I think it might not be a bad idea.
-George Carlin

So let me get this straight... Captain Clorox thinks schools are safe enough for your kids but jail is too dangerous for Paul Manafort.
(from Facebook)

"Obamagate"- A nonsensical word you create when your cult stops buying your lies about Covid-19, and you desperately need to change the narrative.
(from Facebook)

Not sure Trump is thinking through the implications of normalizing extensive investigations into former presidents.
-@matthewamiller

Donald Trump was never going to get along with anyone called "Dr. Bright.""
-@middleageriot

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Well, there's our problem:

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Just aesthetics? You're overlooking all that great foreign protein:

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There are worse ways you can go...

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Categories: 777; Airbus; Barack Obama; Boeing; CDC; Clay Lacy; Clifton Fadiman; Covid-19; Delta Air; Donald Trump; Folding@home; L. Frank Baum; Madeleine Albright; McDonald's; Mickey Mouse; Mitch McConnell; Richard and Maurice McDonald; Rick Bright; Seth Meyers; Video; Walt Disney; YouTube


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