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ISSN: 1525-898X
Observations by and for the vaguely disenchanted by Kevin G. Barkes

 

Conceived above a saloon, delivered into this world by a masked man identified by his heavily sedated mother as Captain Video, raised by a kindly West Virginian woman, a mild-mannered former reporter with modest delusions of grandeur and no tolerance of idiots and the intellectually dishonest.

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network solutions made me a child pornographer!
The sordid details...

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Anniversary

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Requiem for a fictional Scotsman

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Oh my God! They killed Library!! Those bastards!!!

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Elegy to a Mostly Maine Coon

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It's a Hap-Hap-Happy Day

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A Pittsburgher in the Really Big City

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Da Burg Annat

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I Have Issues

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Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired

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At least the rivers freeze in Pittsburgh

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He knows if yinz is a jagoff

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Please support KGB Report by making your amazon.com purchases through our affiliate link:
 

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dcl dialogue online!

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no. we're not that kgb.

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KGB, CIA linked

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The Carbolic Smoke Ball
Superb satire, and based in Pittsburgh!

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Americans United for Separation of Church and State

"No religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States."
Article VI, U.S. Constitution

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Geek of the Week, 7/16/2000

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Cruel Site of the Day, 7/15/2000

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miscellany

Hard to describe.

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"a breezy writing style and a cool mix of tidbits"

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Our riveting and morally compelling...

Privacy statement

One of  52,042 random quotes. Please CTRL-F5 to refresh the page.

	kgbreport.com Web

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(July 2000 and earlier)

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Saturday, August 02, 2008
posted by KGB at 10:03 AM (permalink)

Catapalooza

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Friday, August 01, 2008
posted by KGB at 12:42 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

What we've got here is... failure to communicate.
Strother Martin, (March 26, 1919 - August 1, 1980)

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Thursday, July 31, 2008
posted by KGB at 3:17 AM (permalink)

Quotes of the day

Milton Friedman, (July 31, 1912 - November 16, 2006)

With some notable exceptions, businessmen favor free enterprise in general but are opposed to it when it comes to themselves.

One of the great mistakes is to judge policies and programs by their intentions rather than their results.

I say thank God for government waste. If government is doing bad things, it's only the waste that prevents the harm from being greater.

Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.

If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in five years there'd be a shortage of sand.

In a bureaucratic system, useless work drives out useful work.

Inflation is the one form of taxation that can be imposed without legislation.

One man and the truth is a majority.

The government solution to a problem is usually as bad as the problem.

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Wednesday, July 30, 2008
posted by KGB at 1:03 AM (permalink)

"Looks aren't everything, Spider-Lady"

 

From Electra Woman and Dyna Girl, produced by Sid and Mart Krofft.

Sid is 79 today.

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Tuesday, July 29, 2008
posted by KGB at 7:49 AM (permalink)

Welcome to my nightmare

I remember seeing this version of Mark Twain's Mysterious Stranger in the late 80s. At the time I had a bad ear infection, was taking Percoset, and was half-asleep on the couch watching a Claymation movie about Twain's life. I dozed off and awoke about a minute into this segment. I watched it grow darker and more sinister and I remember thinking that I was obviously having a bad dream. Claymation was a happy medium- remember the California raisins?

The weird Percoset-induced mental fog enhanced the effect, and I remember feeling an instant of true terror when I simultaneously forgot I was watching a television program and realized in horror that I was, in fact, awake and not dreaming.

I stumbled upon this on YouTube by accident, and when I heard the voice of Satan, I felt that microsecond of soul-numbing dread and horror I'd felt 20 years ago.

Woof. I'm going to be in one of those funky altered states of consciousness for the rest of the day, I fear...

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Monday, July 28, 2008
posted by KGB at 2:44 AM (permalink)

Thanks a whole bunch, Earl

Earl Silas Tupper (July 28, 1907-October 5, 1983)

Purifying inflexible pieces of polyethylene slag he obtained while employed by DuPont Chemical, Tupper founded the Tupperware Plastics Company in 1938. In 1946 he introduced his peculiar smelling Tupper Plastics line of lightweight, non-breakable cups, bowls and plates to retail outlets. In the early 1950s, he withdrew Tupperware from stores and sold it exclusively through home "parties," thinly concealed orgies of conspicuous if pointless consumption that allowed wives to ridicule their husbands in a friendly social setting while simultaneously draining their joint checking accounts.

By borrowing paint can lid design principles, Tupper came up with liquid-proof, airtight closures. Tupper's infernal lid forced millions of women to develop the dexterity and technique required to "burp" the damned things. (Had he decided instead to use his first name, it is conceivable that instead of burping Tupperware, three generations of females would have instead "passed gas with Earl.")

The lid was also responsible for the eventual development of countless bizarre containers of questionable utility, which were nonetheless bought by obsessive-compulsive suburban homemakers. Inevitably, the items were stashed in the top shelves of cabinets and under the kitchen sinks of millions of American homes. Doubtless future archaeologists will wonder why members of a seemingly advanced culture engaged in the odd practice of hoarding and concealing oddly-shaped pieces of processed plastic slag.

Tupper later sold his company for $16 million, divorced his wife, dodged taxes by relinquishing his U.S. citizenship, and purchased a private island in Central America where, one presumes, he introduced Tupperware to the natives, forever damaging their culture and reportedly serving as basis of the development of Star Trek's prime directive of non-interference.

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Sunday, July 27, 2008
posted by KGB at 6:49 AM (permalink)

All the news that fits, we print...

From the New York Times' "Today's Headlines" e-mail distribution this morning:

No wonder he had such a following. Apparently Bosnian war criminal Radovan Karadzic bears an uncanny resemblance to the late Johnny Carson.

Or not:

Of course, that's just my opinion.

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posted by KGB at 12:01 AM (permalink)

Quotes of the day

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
Sex when you're married is like going to a 7-Eleven. There's not as much variety, but at three in the morning, it's always there.
-Carol Leifer (July 27, 1956)

What are we at the park for except to win? I'd trip my mother. I'd help her up, brush her off, tell her I'm sorry. But mother don't make it to third.
-Leo Durocher (July 27, 1905 - October 7, 1991)

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Copyright © 1987-2024 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.  
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...