KGB Report by Kevin G. Barkes

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(July 2000 and earlier)

Saturday, February 15, 2003
posted by KGB at 10:05 AM (permalink)

Celine Dion

Celine Dion has come out with a perfume. Now there are two ways to spoil a perfectly good elevator ride.-Craig Kilborn

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posted by KGB at 9:56 AM (permalink)

OK, now that you have all that duct tape...

You might as well put it to good use.

Duct Tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. The only difference is that "May The Force be with you" sounds a lot nicer than "May you be covered in duct tape."-Carl Zwanzig

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posted by KGB at 9:37 AM (permalink)

Good Question...

"What does it take to get a few F-16s or naval warships deployed to the Yellow Sea?" North Korean president Kim Jong Il asked Monday. "In the past month and a half, we've expelled U.N. nuclear inspectors, withdrawn from the nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty, restarted a mothballed nuclear complex capable of producing weapons-grade plutonium, and threatened to resume missile tests. You'd think that would be enough to get a measly Marine division or two on standby in the Pacific, but apparently not."

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posted by KGB at 9:25 AM (permalink)

The Enemy of my enemy is... redacted?

The website truthout.org has screengrabs which makes one wonder how much news management is going on when it comes to the whole Iraq business. In addition to railing against the United States, Osama bin Laden's latest taped message also urged Iraqis to overthrow Saddam Hussein, which sort of casts doubt about Iraq's involvement with bin Laden and terrorism. A few hours later, the anti-Hussein portion of the message was nowhere to be found on the MSNBC website.

One would think bin Landen calling for Hussein's ouster would be big news... but I haven't heard anything about this anywhere else.

Looks like The Onion is rapidly becoming the only place for news stories that at least sound realistic:

Saddam Enrages Bush With Full Compliance
WASHINGTON, DC -- President Bush expressed frustration and anger Monday over a U.N. report stating that Iraqi president Saddam Hussein is now fully complying with weapons inspections. "Enough is enough," a determined Bush told reporters. "We are not fooled by Saddam's devious attempts to sway world opinion by doing everything the U.N. asked him to do. We will not be intimidated into backing down and, if we have any say in the matter, neither will Saddam." Bush added that any further Iraqi attempt to meet the demands of the U.N. or U.S. will be regarded as "an act of war."

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posted by KGB at 7:02 AM (permalink)

War and Terror News Coverage is Spontaneous... Yeah, Right.

internalmemos.com, one of my favorite sites.

And will someone please teach Dan Rather the proper way to pronounce "terror?" The first time I heard him report about "The War on Terra (sic)", I thought we had been invaded by Martians or something.

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Thursday, February 13, 2003
posted by KGB at 7:58 AM (permalink)

Be sure to cast your ballot

Stupid security award nominations.

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Wednesday, February 12, 2003
posted by KGB at 9:02 AM (permalink)

Irritations

I'm hurrying to get dressed this morning to get into the office early because the $#$#( broadband service in the apartment building is down again and I see a commercial on the teevee from my cable provider, RCN, bragging about how their customer complaint rates are lower than AT&T and Comcast (who are actually the same, since Comcast bought AT&T Broadband). Could it be because RCN customers can't get through to complain? I tried calling three times this morning and was rewarded with recorded messages and bad elevator music.

---

I'm going back to Pittsburgh today for the Valentine's Day weekend and just can't help but wonder what new faux improved security measures will be in effect at O'Hare in response to our current tutti-frutti or whatever terrorist alert status. The most thorough and time-consuming searches always seem to be in Pittsburgh, but the TSA people there are extremely courteous, respectful and friendly, so I don't mind it that much.

---

Experienced my first white-out in Chicago last night. I dozed off after dinner, and was awakened by a high-pitched whistling noise, which turned out to be the wind vibrating the windows in my apartment. I looked out and saw... nothing. Really. It was snowing so hard that the visibility was absolutely zero. Thank goodness it only lasted a few minutes.

---

All this societal turmoil is really getting me down. At least in the 60s we had decent music.

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Tuesday, February 11, 2003
posted by KGB at 11:07 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

"It's a shame the French are not with us, as we could get them to advise the Iraqis on the best means of surrender."
-Congressman Pete King (R-NY)

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posted by KGB at 9:11 AM (permalink)

One of those days.

A user named "FrodoLover" on an ezboard Tolkien movies bulletin board is still cluelessly linking to images on my site (see Bandwidth Thieves, below), and has actually made it to the really ugly stuff. I sure hope those links disappear soon. Tomorrow, the gloves come off.

Then I get an e-mail with the return address president@whitehouse.gov that has a virus attached. What's funny here is that the sender's real name was in the message header, and the school's smtp server apparently stripped out the virus before it was sent to me:

Return-Path:
Received: from lvmail01.lawrenceville.org (lvmail01.lawrenceville.org [12.107.64.11])
by hood.cnchost.com
id IAA07859 for ; Tue, 11 Feb 2003 08:33:26 -0500 (EST)
[ConcentricHost SMTP MX 1.31]
Date: Tue, 11 Feb 2003 08:33:26 -0500 (EST)
Message-Id: <200302111333.IAA07859@hood.cnchost.com>
Errors-To:
Received: from lv152.lawrenceville.org ([172.28.1.6])
by lvmail01.lawrenceville.org (Lotus Domino Release 5.0.11)
with SMTP id 2003021108331418:123018 ;
Tue, 11 Feb 2003 08:33:14 -0500
Received: FROM Psoxv BY lv152.lawrenceville.org ; Tue Feb 11 08:33:16 2003 -0500
From: president
To: kgb@kgbreport.com
MIME-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: multipart/alternative;
boundary=JO8si3766uPbeP8y7
X-UIDL: 76591
Status: RO
Network Associates WebShield SMTP V4.5 MR1a on lv152 detected virus
Exploit-MIME.gen.exe in attachment unknown from
and it was Cleaned and
Quarantined.

Hmmm... if you don't agree with someone, violate Federal statutes, hide your identity and attempt to cause them severe damage.

I don't know what makes me more depressed... that kids today do this stuff, or that they're so technically inept they can't even pull it off. Hey, Lawrenceville School: not only do you need to review your computer curriculum, you might want to consider adding an ethics class or two in addition to sending kids to the soup kitchen "see a very different side of life."

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Sunday, February 09, 2003
posted by KGB at 6:39 PM (permalink)

Another one of those business deals...

It's not what you think. Read carefully.

Subject: FW: IMMEDIATE ATTENTION NEEDED: HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL

URGENT ASSISTANCE - FROM USA

IMMEDIATE ATTENTION NEEDED : HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL

FROM: GEORGE WALKER BUSH
202.456.1414 / 202.456.1111
FAX: 202.456.2461

Dear Sir / Madam,

I am GEORGE WALKER BUSH, son of the former president of the United States of America George Herbert Walker Bush, and currently serving as President of the United States of America. This letter might surprise you because we have not met neither in person nor by correspondence. I came to know of you in my search for a reliable and reputable person to handle a very confidential business transaction, which involves the transfer of a huge sum of money to an account requiring maximum confidence.

I am writing you in absolute confidence primarily to seek your assistance in acquiring oil funds that are presently trapped in the republic of iraq. My partners and I solicit your assistance in completing a transaction begun by my father, who has long been actively engaged in the extraction of petroleum in the United States of America, and bravely served his country as director of the United States Central Intelligence Agency.

In the decade of the nineteen-eighties, my father, then vice-president of the United States of America, sought to work with the good offices of the President of the Republic of Iraq to regain lost oil revenue sources in the neighboring islamic republic of Iran. This unsuccessful venture was soon followed by a falling-out with his Iraqi partner, who sought to acquire additional oil revenue sources in the neighboring emirate of Kuwait, a wholly-owned U.S.-British subsidiary.

My father re-secured the petroleum assets of Kuwait in 1991 at a cost of sixty-one billion u.s. dollars ($61,000,000,000). Out of that cost, thirty-six billion dollars ($36,000,000,000) were supplied by his partners in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and other persian gulf monarchies, and sixteen billion dollars ($16,000,000,000) by German and Japanese partners. But my father's former Iraqi business partner remained in control of the republic of Iraq and its petroleum reserves.

My family is calling for your urgent assistance in funding the removal of the President of the Republic of Iraq and acquiring the petroleum assets of his country, as compensation for the costs of removing him from power. unfortunately, our partners from 1991 are not willing to shoulder the burden of this new venture, which in its upcoming phase may cost the sum of 100 billion to 200 billion dollars ($100,000,000,000 - $200,000,000,000), both in the initial acquisition and in long-term management.

Without the funds from our 1991 partners, we would not be able to acquire the oil revenue trapped within Iraq. That is why my family and our colleagues are urgently seeking your gracious assistance. Our distinguished colleagues in this business transaction include the sitting vice-president of the United States of America, Richard Cheney, who is an original partner in the Iraq venture and former head of the Halliburton oil company, and Condoleeza Rice, whose professional dedication to the venture was demonstrated in the naming of a Chevron oil tanker after her.

I would beseech you to transfer a sum equaling ten to twenty-five percent (10-25 %) of your yearly income to our account to aid in this important venture. The internal revenue service of the United States of America will function as our trusted intermediary. I propose that you make this transfer before the fifteenth (15th) of the month of April.

I know that a transaction of this magnitude would make anyone apprehensive and worried. But I am assuring you that all will be well at the end of the day. A bold step taken shall not be regretted, I assure you. Please do be informed that this business transaction is 100% legal. If you do not wish to co-operate in this transaction, please contact our intermediary representatives to further discuss the matter.

I pray that you understand our plight. My family and our colleagues will be forever grateful. Please reply in strict confidence to the contact numbers below.

Sincerely with warm regards,
George Walker Bush

Switchboard: 202.456.1414
Comments: 202.456.1111
Fax: 202.456.2461
Email: president@whitehouse.gov

Thanks to Grace McGarvie, a regular on the alt.quotations Usenet newsgroup. She says The Register, a U.K. newspaper, attributes the parody to Zoltan Grossman, a peace activist and professor of geography at the University of Wisconsin.

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posted by KGB at 3:32 PM (permalink)

Yeah, yeah, I'm inspired.

You'd think my family and friends would know better than to send me stuff like this before I have my morning coffee. So, I apologize if my responses offended you.

100% TRUE
(and insipid)

1. At least two people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
No, wait a minute. Technically, your ferrets aren't really "people".

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
But be advised that two of those ways are felonies in most states.

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
...and they lack that interesting muscular aberration that helps you while away those lonely hours.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
And you thought forgetting to wear your dentures was a mistake.

5. Every night, someone thinks about you before they go to sleep.
Something along the lines of "I can't believe someone hasn't murdered that little bastard yet."

6. You mean the world to someone.
Someone with a vocabulary of one word, that word being "world"

7. If not for you, someone may not be living.
But since you skipped town before the paternity hearing, you'll never know.

8. You are special and unique.
Just like everyone else.

9. Someone that you don't even know exists, loves you.
Thanks to your ex, who posted that "special" picture of you on the Really Hot Amateurs porn site.

10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
Like discovering you really aren't cut out to be an air traffic controller.

11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take another look, you most likely turned your back on the world.
And the world is just waiting for you to bend over.

12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it. But if you believe in yourself, sooner or later, you may get exactly what you want.
Especially if what you want is arthritis, hair loss, erectile dysfunction and declining cognitive capabilities.

13. Always remember the compliments you receive; forget about the rude remarks.
No need to remember the rude remarks. You hear them incessantly, you being you and all.

14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you'll feel much better when they know.
Just be certain there are no witnesses.

15. If you have a great friend, take time to let them know that they are great.
And buy them a gift. Your Blow-Up Betty could use a patch kit.

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Copyright © 1987-2024 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...