KGB Report by Kevin G. Barkes

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(July 2000 and earlier)

Saturday, February 09, 2008
posted by KGB at 6:58 PM (permalink)

An enlightened citizenry is indispensable for the proper functioning of a republic.

So, this isn't really a surprise:

President Bush Eliminates Funding for Reading Is Fundamental's Historic Book Distribution Program Serving 4.6 Million Children

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posted by KGB at 2:58 AM (permalink)

TSA's worst nightmare...

Yes, it's real. 85 tools, 100 functions, and only $1,000.00.

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Friday, February 08, 2008
posted by KGB at 9:07 AM (permalink)

46 things other than President that Mitt Romney looks like.

...a Beverly Hills cop.
...a former Tarzan.
...a golf commentator fired for an off-the-cuff remark.
...a guy modeling briefs on a package of underwear.
...a guy wearing a golf shirt in an Eddie Bauer catalogue.
...a guy who forgot to remove his teeth whitening strip.
...a guy who is married to an over-the-hill actress.
...a guy who tries to sign you up for Herbalife.
...a guy who winks when he shakes your hand.
...a guy who would brag about his cholesterol.
...a guy who would run a seminar on condo flipping.
...a Jet Blue pilot who comes out to greet the passengers during the delay.
...a tennis pro at a restricted country club.
...a Tom Cruise handler.
...a tour guide at the Nixon Library.
...a weekend weather man.
...a guy who sells fruit dehydrators on cable.
...a guy who sells subdivisions in the Everglades.
...the guy who pitches overpriced cemetery plots.
...the pharmacist who doesn't accept your prescription plan.
...that guy on a Father's Day ad for Norelco.
...that guy on the golf course in the Levitra commercial.
...the desk clerk at a Peninsula Hotel who tells you your room's not ready.
...the guy at a party who gives you his card.
...the guy on the Just For Men bottle.
...the guy on TV selling life insurance.
...the guy that shows you around Total Fitness.
...the guy who has a crease in his jeans.
...the guy who says to the contestant, 'We're out of time, can you come back tomorrow?'
...the guy who shakes your hand too hard.
...the guy your mother points to and says why can't you be more like him.
...the honorary mayor of Sherman Oaks.
...the maître d' who tells you your table's not ready.
...the neighbor who spends way too much time on his lawn.
...the piano player at an upscale department store.
...the spokesman for senior lending networks.
...the guy that would approve your check at a supermarket.
...the guy who promises accident victims he'll get the money they deserve.
...the medical expert in a Victoria Principal infomercial.
...the owner of the steakhouse who keeps interrupting dinner to find out how things are going.
...a guy who said he met Marge on eHarmony.
...a guy who goes to the restroom when the check comes.
...a guy on cable urging you to tap your home equity.
...the guy who tells you how to buy real estate with no money down.
...a cosmetic surgeon who gets ambushed on '60 Minutes.'.
...the photo that comes with the frame.
...an American President in a Canadian movie.

(A comprehensive collection of David Letterman's Mitt one-liners, from Daniel Kurtzman's Political Humor Blog on about.com.)

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posted by KGB at 5:20 AM (permalink)

Mitt Romney Loves America So Much...

... that he would not and could not subject it to a Mitt Romney presidency.

Throughout his campaign he seemed to many a cipher... devoid of principle... a salt-and-pepper, man-shaped polymer casing for a spiritual vacuum. Actually, that was his wife's pet name for him.
-John Stewart

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posted by KGB at 4:20 AM (permalink)

Recommendation of the day

Instead of questioning why an extraterrestrial civilization would venture across the vastness of space and time to perform anal probes on humans, maybe we should just relax and enjoy the experience.
-The Covert Comic

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posted by KGB at 3:40 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
-Unattributed (via "Seadancer" on the alt.quotations Usenet newsgroup."

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Thursday, February 07, 2008
posted by KGB at 7:18 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

You know how when you pee in the toilet it sounds like a chipmunk commanding you to kill Kenny G?
-Emo Philips (b: 2/7/1956)

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Wednesday, February 06, 2008
posted by KGB at 11:58 AM (permalink)

Whatever happened to scrumpdillyicious?

KFC parent Yum Brands Inc. may be about to find out if people will flock to a chain that serves Kentucky nonfried chicken.

The restaurant giant is looking at significant makeovers of its mature fast-food outlets. One option is restructuring KFC sometime next year, using what Yum calls a "nonfried chicken platform."-Wall Street Journal

(Oh, yeah. That'll have 'em breaking down the doors. There's nothing as satisfying as a hot, juicy platform. At least they used the word "chicken.")

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posted by KGB at 9:02 AM (permalink)

* ! *

Words fail me.

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posted by KGB at 8:19 AM (permalink)

Mark your calendar

Remember, tomorrow is the beginning of the Chinese New Year 4706, the year of the rat. You don't want to keep writing year of the pig on your checks now, do you?

You'd think that with thousands of contributors, Wikipedia could come up with a better picture....

Party like it's 4699!

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Tuesday, February 05, 2008
posted by KGB at 10:47 AM (permalink)

You may be right; he may be crazy...

But it just might be a lunatic you're looking for.

Note the dates in the video; Dr. Paul (he's originally from the Pittsburgh suburb of Green Tree, by the way) has held his views consistently. He's not responding to the focus group or poll of the day. And he's not churning out cute sound bites and macho bull to assuage the conservative/hawkish base.

What's so crazy about wanting the United States to exist as the founders envisioned it?

An argument can be made that by re-establishing the precepts originally outlined by the Constitution, a lot of our problems will be addressed and corrected. I certainly don't agree with much of Dr. Paul's philosophy. But with the Constitution firmly in place and balance restored between the branches of government, the people may finally have a shot at getting their country back from the corporate fascists who currently run things.

If Hillary gets in, she'll be distracted by constant attacks from the right. And the media, as they have during the campaign, will ignore the substantive issues to focus on the trivial. Obama has the potential to inspire and lead, but he's still part of the establishment.

I can see Dr. Paul as President, using his veto power to get Congress' and the peoples' attention. How can members of Congress, who've taken an oath to uphold the Constitution, vote to support bills which President Paul considers unconstitutional?

Instead of campaign tears, pantsuits, and Obama Girl, the nation would be forced to reflect upon its willingness to obey the law upon which this nation was created.

It could be interesting.

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posted by KGB at 8:59 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

News Item: "The U.S. military isn't ready for a catastrophic attack on the country, and National Guard forces don't have the equipment or training they need for the job..."

One problem with fighting them over there so we don't have to fight them here is that if they come over here, we're all over there.
-Zay N. Smith, QT, Chicago Sun-Times

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posted by KGB at 8:50 AM (permalink)

Cartoon of the week

Do I need to remind you that I have a huge Internet following?

(by Frank Cotham, in the 2/11/08 issue of The New Yorker.)

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Sunday, February 03, 2008
posted by KGB at 12:48 PM (permalink)

As good as it gets

Strictly on a technical/artistic level, this has to be the best political ad I've ever seen. I'm having flashbacks to the 60s, where oratory had not yet been overtaken by the sound bite.

---

It was a creed written into the founding documents that declared the destiny of a nation.

Yes we can.

It was whispered by slaves and abolitionists as they blazed a trail toward freedom.

Yes we can.

It was sung by immigrants as they struck out from distant shores and pioneers who pushed westward against an unforgiving wilderness.

Yes we can.

It was the call of workers who organized; women who reached for the ballots; a President who chose the moon as our new frontier; and a King who took us to the mountaintop and pointed the way to the Promised Land.

Yes we can to justice and equality.

Yes we can to opportunity and prosperity.

Yes we can heal this nation.

Yes we can repair this world.

Yes we can.

We know the battle ahead will be long, but always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change.

We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics...they will only grow louder and more dissonant ........... We've been asked to pause for a reality check. We've been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope.

But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope.

Now the hopes of the little girl who goes to a crumbling school in Dillon are the same as the dreams of the boy who learns on the streets of LA; we will remember that there is something happening in America; that we are not as divided as our politics suggests; that we are one people; we are one nation; and together, we will begin the next great chapter in the American story with three words that will ring from coast to coast; from sea to shining sea --

Yes. We. Can.

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posted by KGB at 1:28 AM (permalink)

Don't forget the big sports event today...

[ANIMAL PLANET]
Feb 03, 3:00 pm
(180 minutes)
Puppy Bowl IV
TV-G
Get set for some serious mayhem. Puppy Bowl is back with an all-star cast that's ready to mix it up on the grand gridiron of Animal Planet Stadium. And this year, you'll be able to see all of the frisky frolicking like never before, in high definition.

And, it repeats every three hours.

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posted by KGB at 12:40 AM (permalink)

The best Super Bowl ad, ever.

I loved the ad, even though I wasn't suckered in by the hysteria. And why worry about computers turning into boat anchors when you have, well, real boat anchors to do the job? And in the 21st century, even.

Re: Y2K, the best take on it was by Reed Hundt: "January 1 (2000) is a Saturday. So if the world comes to an end for a couple of days, it'll be OK. We've all had weekends like that."

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Copyright © 1987-2024 by Kevin G. Barkes
All rights reserved.
Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...