A comedian can only last till he either takes himself serious or his audience takes him serious.
A king can stand people's fighting, but he can't last long if people start thinking.
A man that don't love a horse, there is something the matter with him.
Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.
All we hear is 'What's the matter with the country?' 'What's the matter with the world?' There ain't but one thing wrong with every one of us in the world, and that's selfishness.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.
Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate; now what's going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House?
Anybody whose pleasure is watching somebody else die is about as little use to humanity as the person being electrocuted.
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
But with Congress- every time they make a joke it's a law. And every time they make a law it's a joke.
Buy land. They ain't making any more of the stuff.
Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work.
Death knows no denomination. Death draws no color line.
Every gag I tell must be based on truth. No matter how much I may exaggerate it, it must have a certain amount of truth... now rumor travels faster, but it don't stay put as long as truth.
Every guy looks in his pocket and then votes.
Every nation must have its legalized form of gambling. We have our Wall Street.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
Heroing is one of the shortest-lived professions there is.
I am not a member of any organized party- I am a Democrat.
I doubt if a charging elephant, or a rhino, is as determined, or hard to check, as a socially ambitious mother.
I have a scheme for stopping war. It's this- no nation is allowed to enter a war till they have paid for the last one.
I have always said that a conference was held for one reason only, to give everybody a chance to get sore at everybody else. Sometimes it takes two or three conferences to scare up a war, but generally one will do it.
I hope some of the men who get the most votes will be elected.
I love a dog, he does nothing for political reasons.
I maintain that it should cost as much to get married as it does to get divorced. Make it look like marriage is worth as much as divorce, even if it ain't. That would also make the preachers financially independent like it has the lawyers.
I tell you folks, all politics is apple sauce.
If I was a President and wanted something I would claim I didn't want it. Congress has not given any President anything he wanted in the last ten years. Be against anything and then he is sure to get it.
If Wall Street paid a tax on every 'game' they run, we would get enough revenue to run the government.
If you ever injected truth into politics you have no politics.
It takes nerve to be a Democrat, but it takes money to be a Republican.
It's awful hard to get people interested in corruption unless they can get some of it.
It's not what you pay a man but what he costs you that counts.
Lincoln didn't have a foreign policy. That's why he's Lincoln.
Lord, the money we do spend on Government and it's not one bit better than the government we got for one-third the money twenty years ago.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
No man can be condemned for owning a dog. As long as he's got a dog he's got a friend and the poorer he gets the better friend he has.
No man is great if he thinks he is.
No party is as bad as its state and national leaders.
Nothing will upset a state economic condition like a legislature. It's better to have termites in your house than the legislature.
Our constitution protects aliens, drunks, and U.S. Senators. There ought to be one day (just one) when there is open season on senators.
Party politics is the most narrow minded occupation in the world.
Personally, I have always felt the best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter- he's got to just know.
Politics has got so expensive that it takes lots of money to even get beat with.
Remember, write to your Congressman. Even if he can't read, write to him.
So much money is being spent on the campaigns that I doubt if either man, as good as they are, are worth what it will cost to elect them.
Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week.
Ten men in our country could buy the whole world and ten million can't buy enough to eat.
That's one thing about Republican Presidents. They never went in much for plans. They only had one plan. It says 'Boys, my head is turned. Just get it while you can.'
The American people are a very generous people and will forgive almost any weakness, with the possible exception of stupidity.
The crime of taxation is not in the taking of it, it's in the way that it's spent.
The difference between a bandit and a patriot is a good press agent.
The difference between our rich and poor grows greater every year. Our distribution of wealth is getting more uneven all the time. A man can make a million and he is on every page in the morning. But it never tells you who gave up that million he got. You can't get money without taking it from somebody.
The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. Even when you make one out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a Crook or a Martyr.
The money was all appropriated for the top in the hopes that it would trickle down to the needy. Mr. Hoover didn't know that money trickled up. Give it to the people at the bottom and the people at the top will have it before night, anyhow. But it will at least have passed through the poor fellow's hands.
The more that learn to read the less learn how to make a living. That's one thing about a little education. It spoils you for actual work. The more you know the more you think somebody owes you a living.
The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that's out always looks the best.
The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.
The rest of the people know the condition of the country, for they live in it, but Congress has no idea what is going on in America, so the President has to tell 'em.
The United States never lost a war or won a conference.
There ain't nothing to life but satisfaction.
There is no argument in the world carries the hatred that a religious belief one does.
There is nothing that keeps poor people poor as much as paying doctor bills.
There is one rule that works in every calamity. Be it pestilence, war, or famine, the rich get richer and poor get poorer. The poor even help arrange it.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
There's the one thing no nation can ever accuse us of and that is secret diplomacy. Our foreign dealings are an open book. Generally a check book.
This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.
This country has gotten where it is in spite of politics, not by the aid of it. That we have carried as much political bunk as we have and still survived shows we are a super nation.
This country is bigger than Wall Street. If they don't believe it, show 'em the map.
This would be a great time in the world for some man to come along that knew something.
This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to pay the fiddler.
We all can't be heroes, for someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
We are here just for a spell and then pass on. So get a few laughs and do the best you can. Live your life so that whenever you lose it, you are ahead.
We are the first nation in the history of the world to go to the poor house in an automobile.
We are the first nation to starve to death in a storehouse that's overfilled with everything we want.
We don't know what we want, but we are ready to bite somebody to get it.
We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.
Well, all I know is what I read in the papers.
Well, they finally stopped us from sending marines to every war that we could hear of. They are having one in Afghanistan. The thing will be over before Congress can pronounce it, much less find out where it is located.
What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.
When a party can't think of anything else they always fall back on lower taxes. It has a magic sound to a voter just like Fairyland is spoken of and dreamed of by children. But no child has ever seen it. Neither has any voter ever lived to see the day when his taxes were lowered.
When I die, my epitaph or whatever you call those signs on gravestones is going to read: 'I joked about every prominent man of my time, but I never met a man I didn't like.' I am so proud of that I can hardly wait to die so it can be carved. And when you come to my grave you will find me sitting there, proudly reading it.
When the Judgment Day comes civilization will have an alibi, 'I never took a human life, I only sold the fellow the gun to take it with.'
When you get into trouble five thousand miles from home, you've got to have been looking for it.
When you put down the good things you ought to have done, and leave out the bad ones you did do- well, that's Memoirs.
Why don't they pass a Constitutional Amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as Prohibition did, in five years we will have the smartest people on earth.
Will Rogers never met Rush Limbaugh.
You can take a sob story and a stick of candy and lead America right off into the Dead Sea.
You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.
You know everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
You've got to be optimist to be a Democrat, and you've got to be a humorist to stay one.
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