Arizona is the meth lab of democracy.
As someone who is not Christian, it is hard for me to believe Christians are a persecuted people in America... maybe, God willing, one of you will rise up and get to be President of this country; or maybe 44 in a row.
At the end of your life, do you give a concession speech?
By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
Congress: the legislative stone in America's urethra.
Corporations are the only reason the tax code is so complicated in the first place. Those off-shore loopholes didn't get carved out by poor people.
December 25 is National Jews Go To The Movies Day.
Democrats- always standing up for what they later realize they should have believed in.
Divorce isn't caused because 50 percent of marriages end in gayness.
Don't censor yourself to comfort their ignorance.
Even the Stock-Pickin' Chicken is right some of the time.
Every country has at least one museum that says 'Here's why we chased you out.'
Everyone just needs to get over themselves.
Everyone knows if a Republican comes out of the closet and sees a gay shadow, it means six more years of a Democratic administration.
Evil is relatively rare. Ignorance is epidemic.
Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.
Here in the U.S., we've made democracy into a science. A cold, impersonal science.
I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you.
I don't trust any country that looks around a continent and says, 'Hey, I'll take the frozen part.'
I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever's going on.
I know the Supreme Court ruled that corporations are people, but what I didn't realize is that those people are assholes.
I look at politicians as, they are doing what inherently they need to do to retain power. Their job is to consolidate power. When you go to the zoo and you see a monkey throwing poop, you go, 'that's what monkeys do, what are you gonna do?' But what I wish the media would do more frequently is say 'bad monkey.'
I view America like this: 70 to 80 percent (are) pretty reasonable people that truthfully, if they sat down, even on contentious issues, would get along. And the other 20 percent of the country run it.
I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.
If I'd only followed CNBC's advice, I'd have a million dollars today. Provided I'd started with a hundred million dollars.
If the presidency is the head of the American body politic, Congress is its gastrointestinal tract. Its vast and convoluted inner workings may be mysterious and unpleasant, but in the end they excrete a great deal of material whose successful passage is crucial to our nation's survival.
If they have success, they built it. If they failed, the government ruined it for them. If they get a break, they deserve it. If you get a break, it's a handout and an entitlement. It's a baffling, willfully blind cognitive dissonance.
If we amplify everything, we hear nothing.
If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values- they're hobbies.
If you have too many white people at a rally, then your cause is racist. And if you have too many people of color at a rally, you must be asking for something.
If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.
In whose delusional mind is democracy made 'better' by allowing wealthy people to control more of it?
It does not matter what we say or do; it matters only what is reported about what we say or do.
It doesn't make it a gotcha question just because it got ya.
It feels like all the people who want limited government really just want government limited to Republicans.
Jon Stewart is exactly the same guy he's always been, only with money. He knows that the moment he really believes he's important, the funny goes away and he becomes Bill O'Reilly, except shorter and Jewish.
No matter what your race, creed or sexual preference, there is a word that people use to describe you that is very nasty. It's what we all have in common. That, and masturbation.
No one's going to march in the streets carrying a sign that says 'Be Reasonable!'
People talk about sexual assault like it's a bad habit that men have.
Peoples' senses of humor tend to go about as far as their ideology.
Religion is kinda like nuclear power: you split the atom this way, you get electricity; you split it that way, you get an atomic bomb.
Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion. If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?
The first sentence of the Constitution mentions unions and welfare. I don't know what to tell ya.
The Internet is just a world passing around notes in a classroom. That's all it is. All those media companies say, 'We're going to make a killing here.' You won't because it's still only as good as the content.
The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City.
The Rapture: The ultimate Republican back-up plan.
The reason I don't worry about society is, nineteen people knocked down two buildings and killed thousands. Hundreds of people ran into those buildings to save them. I'll take those odds every f*cking day.
The Republican party is the party of nostalgia. It seeks to return America to a simpler, more innocent and moral past that never actually existed. The Democrats are utopians. They seek to create an America so fair and non-judgmental that life becomes an unbearable series of apologies. Together, the two parties function like giant down comforters, allowing a candidate to disappear into the enveloping softness, protecting them from exposure to the harsh weather of independent thought.
The season wouldn't feel the same without people going out of their way to be offended by nothing.
The Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die.
The wisdom of the masses is not always... wise.
They always throw around this term 'the liberal elite.' And I kept thinking to myself about the Christian right. What's more elite than believing that only you will go to heaven?
We declared war on terror- it's not even a noun, so, good luck. After we defeat it, I'm sure we'll take on that bastard ennui.
We need religion to give grace and comfort to a world torn apart by religion.
When you are actually powerful, you don't need to be petty.
Why is it that if you take advantage of a corporate tax break you're a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of something so you don't go hungry, you're a moocher?
Why would these English explorers search for these spices, yet never use them in their food?
Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.
Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe- dare I dream it?- maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.
You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: It wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by The Macarena.
You need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and not come away thinking, 'Hey, there's something wrong with this mirror.'
You've confused a war on religion with not getting everything you want.
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