A visit to a therapist is like a visit to a hairdresser. When I leave the office my head looks great but an hour later it's all screwed up again.
Bill Gates is a white Persian cat and a monocle away from being the villain in a James Bond movie.
Elected office holds more perks than Elvis' nightstand.
Even the best psychiatrist is like a blindfolded auto mechanic poking around under your hood with a giant foam 'We're #1' finger.
I believe that every dark cloud has a silver lining that contains abnormally high traces of mercury which will eventually lead to the onset of neurological disorders.
I don't dig polo. It's like miniature golf meets the Kentucky Derby.
I don't need to be born again. I got it right the first time.
I make friends as easily as The Swiss Family Robinson made ice.
I stepped into the confessional today and said, 'You first.'
I view (German reunification) in much the same way I view a possible Dean Martin-Jerry Lewis reconciliation: I never really enjoyed their work, and I'm not sure I need to see any of their new stuff.
I'm not sure there's such a thing as minor groin surgery. Anyone has a sharp instrument around my genitalia, I'm thinking it's major.
If God saw the way some Republicans invoked his name, he'd turn atheist.
If you get to 35 and your job still involves you wearing a name tag, you've probably made a serious vocational error.
In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately, Weekend Update would like to remind you: when you link up to another computer, you're linking up to every computer that that computer has ever linked up to.
Listen, we're an understanding people. We've got a long fuse, but at the end of the day, it's connected to a big-ass bomb.
Nothing wrong with being shallow, as long as you're insightful about it.
Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.
Republicans say that Democrats want a huge, monolithic federal institution that will compromise personal liberty and freedom by controlling individuals' lives with intrusive policies and a dictatorial agenda. Republicans, of course, believe that is the job of organized religion.
Super Bowl Sunday is the one day of the year when everyone in the country, regardless of their religious beliefs, stops what they're normally doing. Especially the team I'm rooting for.
That's what America's all about: a great nation that guarantees you the right to lead whatever sort of jagoff existence you want to lead, and guarantees me the right to ridicule it mercilessly.
The average American has the attention span of a ferret on double espresso.
The biggest conspiracy has always been the fact that there is no conspiracy. Nobody's out to get you. Nobody gives a sh*t whether you live or die. There, you feel better now?
The government could take away all the drugs in the world and people would spin around on their lawns until they fell down and saw God.
The only difference between group sex and group therapy is that in group therapy you hear about everyone's problems, and in group sex you see them.
This country's public schools couldn't be more poorly funded and badly directed than if the Secretary of Education was Ed Wood.
Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.
You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize out of the three Rs, only one begins with an R.
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