A friend of mine does voodoo accupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and... Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn't first place.
A metaphor is like a simile.
After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
Babies don't need vacations, but I still see them at the beach.
Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?
Cross-country skiing is great, if you live in a small country.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
Every day I like to put a little time aside and forget about it so at the end of the year I have a few days to myself.
Everywhere is walking distance, if you've got the time.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backward. Now everywhere I drive, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
I believe that God thinks He's God.
I bought a decaffeinated coffee table. Can't even tell by looking at it.
I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I'm going to get tractors that small.
I can levitate birds. No one cares.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I got a new dog that's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'm going to use it.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral... in one car.
I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day because it means it's going to be up all night.
I have a microwave fireplace. You can lay down in front of the fire all night in eight minutes.
I have an existential map. It has YOU ARE HERE written all over it.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I like to fill up my tub with water and turn the shower on and pretend I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.'
I stayed in a hotel where the pool was on the 23rd floor. I couldn't believe how deep it was.
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
I was born caesarian although you can't really tell, except when I leave the house I go out through the window.
I was lying in bed with my girlfriend and she asked, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said no. She said 'Forget it, then.'
I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He used a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered french toast during the Renaissance.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I'm a peripheral visionary. I can see into the future, but only off to the side.
I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
I'm staying in an old hotel. They sent me a wake up letter.
I'm working on a plan to take all the salt out of all the oceans. The fish are getting high blood pressure.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm speaking in parentheses.
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
If you were traveling in your vehicle at the speed of light and turned your lights on, would it do anything?
In relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that, I never even thought about killing myself.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
My grandmother gave me five dollars and said, 'Don't tell your mother.' I told her, 'It's going to cost you more than that.'
My grandmother was insane. She had pierced hearing aids.
My hobby is not committing suicide.
My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.'
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
Next week I'm going to have an MRI to see whether or not I have claustrophobia.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
The earth is bipolar.
The first time I read the dictionary I thought it was a poem about everything.
The temperature in any room is room temperature.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
They say you're not supposed put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
We had a quicksand box in our back yard. I was an only child, eventually.
What's another word for 'thesaurus?'
When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Found 69 occurence(s) in 51,822 quotation(s).