Anyone can go out on stage and start beating people over the head with rubber chickens. That'll get people's attention.
Everything can be satirized.
I called a detox center just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three and a half weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet!
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
I got divorced, which was not a good thing for a revivalist minister. It did not go down well. I'd already been banned from a couple churches for my jokes. So one day I woke up and decided it was time to start living for myself.
I guess my main influences are Jesus, rock 'n' roll and ex-wives. In that order.
I guess they're tough jokes. But there's lots of things you either laugh or cry at. And you just can't cry.
If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.
If I've learned one thing, it's 'don't tell the truth.' Lies keep you together.
If you don't think drugs have done good things for us, then take all of your records, tapes and CD's and burn them.
Jesus is still up in Heaven, thumbing through his Bible, going 'Where did I say build a water slide?'
My view of life is, 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!'
Rage only works if it is justified. That's the trick with rage. You gotta have a reason to be mad.
Real comedy doesn't just make people laugh and think, but makes them laugh and change.
Society needs a couple of vents that say what you're not supposed to say.
There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out.
You gotta keep falling in love. You gotta believe in it. What are you going to do... give sheep the vote?
Found 17 occurence(s) in 52,041 quotation(s).
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