A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, 'Man, I wish I had your willpower.'
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
Always look out for Number One and be careful not to step in Number Two.
At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
Doctors will tell you don't smoke, don't drink, eat certain foods... From this point on, if I take excellent care of myself, I'll get very sick and die.
I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine specimen, there was an olive in it.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
I joined Alcoholics Anonymous. I still drink, I just use a different name.
I joined Gamblers Anonymous. They gave me two to one I won't make it.
I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.
I lost my parents at the beach. I asked a lifeguard to help me find them. He said, 'I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide.'
I want to do a show for the homeless. I don't know how to contact them.
I was an ugly kid. When I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.
I was going with a girl. I trusted her. She let me down. She ran away with my best friend. Now I got no dog.
I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
If it wasn't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.
Love is an extension of life, and lust is an extension.
My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
My wife has cut me down to once a month. I'm lucky. I know two guys she cut off completely.
My wife likes to talk during sex. Last night, she called me from a motel.
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
When I was a kid I got no respect. I worked in a pet store. People kept asking how big I would get.
When I was born, the doctor turned me over and said, 'Look! Twins!'
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me. No one showed up.
Found 29 occurence(s) in 52,059 quotation(s).
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