Bad luck is meeting your date's father and realizing he's the pharmacist you bought condoms from that afternoon.
Baptists never make love standing up. They're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing.
How can I trust a bank to keep my money safe when it has dozens of pens stolen every day?
I come from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.
I have it on good authority that Yankee men are so lazy they marry pregnant women.
I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.
I've had so many wives, I can't remember all their names. To keep it simple, I just called them all 'Plaintiff.'
If soccer was an American soft drink, it would be Diet Pepsi.
In the south there's a difference between 'Naked' and 'Nekkid.' 'Naked' means you don't have any clothes on. 'Nekkid' means you don't have any clothes on and you're up to somethin'.
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
It's better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.
It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.
Life is like a dog sled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
Money doesn't grow on trees, and if it did, someone else would own the orchard.
Real estate agents are God's plague on mankind when locusts are out of season.
Rock and roll was music to get pregnant by. Rap is music to get dead by.
Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.
The public, more often than not, will forgive mistakes, but it will not forgive trying to wiggle out of one.
We'd all be a lot happier if we lived our own lives and allowed the son of a bitch down the street to live his. I just can't put it any more simply or directly than that.
Found 19 occurence(s) in 51,825 quotation(s).