A junkie will steal your purse, and then help you look for it.
Andy Warhol said that in the future everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Facebook is exactly like that except you're not really famous and your 15 minutes goes on forever.
Ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything: 'Does this need to be said? Does this need to be said by me? Does this need to be said by me now?'
Being guilty tends to engender feelings of guilt.
Change is the law of God's mind, and resistance to it is the source of all pain.
Comedy should have a certain amount of joy in it. It should be about attacking the powerful- the politicians, the Trumps, the blowhards- going after them. We shouldn't be attacking the vulnerable.
Confession is a sacred rite enhanced by allegory, exaggeration, and lies.
Cynicism is the true refuge of the pseudo-intellectual.
Disagreement, vehement disagreement, is healthy. Debate is impossible without it. Evil does not question itself. Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken.
Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing.
Don't take nutritional advice from other species.
During the cold war, West Berlin was an exclave- a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who want to crush it. It was like Austin, Texas.
Equestrian and sailing are sports for people growing up on the mean streets of Connecticut.
Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken. Infallibility is a sin in any man.
Evil does not question itself. Only Hope questions itself.
Failure is not disgrace. It's just a pitch that you missed, and you'd better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don't.
I believe in a Constitution which separates church from state. I've seen what happens when they get in cahoots.
I don't think there's anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn't fashionable.
I'm always a bit shy around evil people.
If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.
If they're going to re-release an old movie, I should be able to get in with my old ticket.
If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy.
If you don't vote, you're a moron.
If you really don't want gay people to get married, you shouldn't ban gay marriage, you ban gay divorce.
It is Veterans Day, when we honor everyone who served in all of the campaigns. We honor them with dignity and respect, and of course mattress sales and tire discounts.
It takes a long time to become a lawyer because you need three things- a bachelor's degree, a law degree, and a desire to worship Satan.
It's a great day for America, everybody!
It's easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.
Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love.
Love at first sight is not rare, in fact it is extremely common, it happens to some people a few times a year. The feeling of 'what if' when meeting the eyes of a stranger can be love unrecognized.
Maybe fear is God's way of saying, 'Pay attention, this could be fun.'
Other than the laws of physics, rules have never really worked out for me.
People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid.
Pseudoscience describes theories that sound like science but are actually just made up, like aromatherapy or biorhythms or love.
Saudia Arabia takes in half a trillion dollars every year in oil revenue, and the country has a population smaller than New York state, but when your system of government is an eleventh century monarchy, someone's going to end up poor, and it's not gonna be the guy whose first name is King.
The 3-D effects in 'Star Wars' are so realistic, you can actually see George Lucas reaching from the screen and taking the money from your wallet.
The devil is not abroad at night in the form of a cat or a wolf or any other animal. He lives eternally in the hearts of men.
The problem with suicide is that it seems so flamboyant. It's camp. You have to be a bit of a drama queen to ever seriously consider it.
The queen banishes Snow White because of her beauty. But the dwarves help Snow White because they're smitten by that very beauty. It teaches kids an important lesson: Nothing matters except for your looks.
The Universe is very, very big. It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules. Rule number one: Nothing lasts forever. Not you or your family or your house or your planet or the sun. It is an absolute rule. Therefore when someone says that their love will never die, it means that their love is not real, for everything that is real dies. Rule number two: Everything lasts forever.
There is one thing that the medical profession cannot do and that is save people from being idiots.
There's something spiritual in hard work. Spirituality isn't all aromatherapy and scented candles.
These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets.
Time is only linear for engineers and referees.
To most Americans, soccer is like warm hockey.
Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.
When you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.
White Americans have a very unusual sense of history. They make it up as they go along, constantly revising to suit their tastes in a manner that would make Stalin blush. Very few of them saw any irony in the fact that during a recent nasty Balkans conflict, when Uncle Sam intervened to stop the Serbs from ethnically cleansing the Bosnians, the military action was performed using Apache helicopter gunships. Helicopters named after a people that had been ethnically cleansed in the United States less than one hundred years previously. Sixteen lane highways across the sacred burial grounds. Yee-hah.
With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you're parodying.
You die alone in your house, and your cat will eat you.
Found 50 occurence(s) in 51,810 quotation(s).