A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, 'A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits.' He said, 'Like what?' I said, 'Well, it keeps you from being Mormon.'
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'
Ambiguity- the Devil's volleyball.
Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.
How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.
I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
I think of my body as a temple... or at least as a relatively well-run Presbyterian youth center.
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.
I was in a bar a few nights ago, moving from stool to stool, trying to get lucky... But there was no gum under any of them.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.
So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said, 'If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip... which, according to your own very latest government Pentagon spending figures, will more than make up the difference.'
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
Three things that make me laugh: my sister's nipples. One's tiny. I haven't named the other two.
Well, my brother says hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.
When I was a little boy, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized, the Lord, in his wisdom, doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
You know how when you pee in the toilet it sounds like a chipmunk commanding you to kill Kenny G?
You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
Found 26 occurence(s) in 50,247 quotation(s).