Any sufficiently advanced parody is indistinguishable from reality.
Arcane knowledge can be useful, even though its acquisition can seem pointless. That funny-looking key you picked up a few years ago might eventually unlock a door leading to a totally unexpected opportunity.
Aside from production values, the only difference between an Al Qaeda terrorist video and the 700 Club is that Al Qaeda doesn't ask for contributions.
Assuming the arrival of a flight-suited President Bush on the aircraft carrier Abraham Lincoln in a jet fighter indicates a new policy- using modes of transportation and dress appropriate to the destination venue- one can only hope the next time he addresses Congress he'll be pointed down Pennsylvania Avenue and shot out of a cannon while dressed as a clown.
At my age, the problem with learning something new is the nagging suspicion it's actually just something I forgot.
Democrats get impeached for having sex. Republicans get impeached for undermining the integrity of the Republic.
Every Sunday I give thanks that there's nothing in Leviticus about liking show tunes.
Filing for bankruptcy is sort of like winning the lotto, except you still have to search under the couch cushions for loose change.
High tech people are worried about their computers keeping accurate time, yet their VCRs have been blinking '12:00' for 15 years.
Hitting the delete key and changing the channel are satisfying but ineffective methods of denying reality.
I don't need electronic devices to locate my cats. I have hairballs.
I never throw anything away, which is irrelevant because I can never remember where I put anything.
I referred to second Gulf War as Desert Storm 2.0, since it reminded me of a Microsoft upgrade: it was expensive, most people didn't want it, and it didn't work.
I'm in pretty good shape for someone in the shape I'm in.
I'm never going to be rich and influential. I took an oath only to use my powers for good.
I'm sorry, but voting for a presidential candidate because you like the choice for vice president is like getting married to a woman because you like her cat.
I've come to the realization that gray is the mature form of blond.
If Windows was a person, it'd be a real pale kid with pink eyes and a banjo.
In software design, 'building a foundation for future development' can result in digging a bottomless pit.
It's a delusion of grandeur only if you can't pull it off.
It's amazing the number of persons intimidated by mere competence.
It's called 'sodomy' because it's easier to pronounce than 'gomorrahry.'
Just keep in mind that most men who chat with you on the Internet look like me.
Life is a recursive plunge.
Manhattan's a mosh pit. You jump into it in the morning, close your eyes, grit your teeth, and hope you're still breathing when it tosses you out at the end of the day.
Never become an expert in anything you didn't create.
Never negotiate with terrorists or children.
No good thing lasts forever. But it does first have to lull you into a false sense of security.
No problem is unsolvable, but there are some that just aren't worth the effort.
Now medical experts are saying that it's not coffee, booze or cigarettes that cause heart attacks, but sustained hostile emotional attitudes. Maybe we have hostile emotional attitudes because you made us give up the freaking coffee, booze and cigarettes, you clueless white-frocked cretins!.
People who burn the flag are exercising their Constitutional rights. Congressman who take money from special interest groups are abusing theirs.
Presbyterians believe they're predestined to have free will.
Republicans are sore losers even when they win.
Saying Windows 10 is the most powerful and secure operating system in the Microsoft family is like saying Moe was the smart Stooge.
Some days those bridge abutments at the side of the road look pretty damned attractive.
The bottom line is the bottom line. If you want to know how something's going to turn out, it's always going to be whatever is most profitable or least costly.
The conservatives' preoccupation with the burning of American flags can be attributed to the amount of time they spend wrapped in them.
The difference between investing in Internet stock and Beanie Babies is that with Internet stock you don't get Beanie Babies.
The Internet is run by a guy named Heisenberg, and his principles are uncertain.
The laserdisc was the 8-track of the 90s.
The only good thing about turning fifty is that I no longer have to worry about dying young.
The problem with lawyers is that they don't believe in divine intervention.
The realization that your existence isn't going to change the course of western civilization makes sleeping in a lot more enjoyable.
The sole acceptance of some groups to Judeo-Christian beliefs reminds me of 'The Blues Brothers', where the response to the question, 'what kind of music do you usually have here?' was 'Oh, we got both kinds, we got Country and Western.
The U.S. Constitution and the Bible have a lot in common. Few people have read them in their entirety; they are quoted out of context and cherry-picked; their official interpreters wear robes and issue pronouncements that sometimes benefit an entitled few or discriminate against women and minorities; and their decrees and commandments are simply ignored when they interfere with the interests of those in power.
There is no 'I' in team. There is, however, a 'U' in sucker.
True, everyone lies, but there's a difference between 'No, those pants don't make your ass look fat, and 'No, there's nothing incriminating in those unreleased tax returns.'
We're supposed to prepare for a non-specific terrorist attack of a spectacular nature? What the hell does that mean? Why don't they just put Tom Ridge in a Jedi robe, push him out in front of the cameras, and have him declare he senses a disturbance in The Force?
What I really need is a reality-altering substance.
Why are the sizes of abnormal growths described in terms of sports equipment for men, and citrus fruit for women?
You know you're getting old when you warn your spouse you're going to make toast, so she doesn't think she's having a stroke.
Found 51 occurence(s) in 52,042 quotation(s).
Categories: Quotes of the day
KGB Quotation Database Search page design and software
contributed by Rafal Sulejman.
