A dog who thinks he is a man's best friend is a dog who obviously has never met a tax lawyer.
--Fran Lebowitz
All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.
--Fran Lebowitz
Any child who cannot do long division by himself does not deserve to smoke.
--Fran Lebowitz
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.
--Fran Lebowitz
Children make the most desirable opponents in Scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.
--Fran Lebowitz
Climbing a tree makes sense to me only if behind you there are Nazis.
--Fran Lebowitz
Do not allow children to mix drinks. It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth.
--Fran Lebowitz
Do not elicit your child's political opinions. He doesn't know any more than you do.
--Fran Lebowitz
Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.
--Fran Lebowitz
Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable expectations and eventual disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around the room with royal-blue chickens.
--Fran Lebowitz
Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. One can only assume that this has something to do with not smoking enough.
--Fran Lebowitz
Favorite animal: steak.
--Fran Lebowitz
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
--Fran Lebowitz
Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is, however, a rather archaic usage of the word. Should one of you boys happen upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you have found a lady. What you have probably found is a lesbian.
--Fran Lebowitz
Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.
--Fran Lebowitz
Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publication.
--Fran Lebowitz
Humility is no substitute for a good personality.
--Fran Lebowitz
I don't believe in anything you have to believe in.
--Fran Lebowitz
I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.
--Fran Lebowitz
I never met anyone who didn't have a very smart child. What happens to these children, you wonder, when they reach adulthood?
--Fran Lebowitz
I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.
--Fran Lebowitz
I would have more respect for the Pope if he wore a white cotton teeshirt emblazoned with red with the legend: INFALLIBLE BUT NOT INFLEXIBLE.
--Fran Lebowitz
If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail.
--Fran Lebowitz
If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.
--Fran Lebowitz
If you removed all of the homosexuals and homosexual influence from what is generally regarded as American culture, you would pretty much be left with Let's Make a Deal..
--Fran Lebowitz
If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies.
--Fran Lebowitz
Inhabitants of underdeveloped nations and victims of natural disasters are the only people who have ever been happy to see soybeans.
--Fran Lebowitz
Large, naked, raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who live in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter.
--Fran Lebowitz
Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.
--Fran Lebowitz
Magazines all too frequently lead to books and should be regarded as the heavy petting of literature.
--Fran Lebowitz
Many people find smoking objectionable. I myself find many- even more- things objectionable. I do not like aftershave lotion, adults who roller-skate, children who speak French, or anyone who is unduly tanned. I do not, however, go around enacting legislation and putting up signs.
--Fran Lebowitz
My favorite animal is steak.
--Fran Lebowitz
No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
--Fran Lebowitz
Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not possibly have met.
--Fran Lebowitz
Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.
--Fran Lebowitz
Rome is a very loony city in every respect. One needs but spend an hour or two there to realize that Fellini makes documentaries.
--Fran Lebowitz
Screenwriting is not an art form, it is a punishment from God.
--Fran Lebowitz
Sleep is death without the responsibility.
--Fran Lebowitz
Smoking, as far as I am concerned, is the whole point of being an adult.
--Fran Lebowitz
Special-interest publications should realize that if they are attracting enough advertising and readers to make a profit, the interest is not so special.
--Fran Lebowitz
Spilling your guts is just exactly as charming as it sounds.
--Fran Lebowitz
Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
--Fran Lebowitz
Success didn't spoil me; I've always been insufferable.
--Fran Lebowitz
Television turned out to be exactly as bad as the most irritating and pedantic intellectuals of the '50s said it was going to be.
--Fran Lebowitz
The best fame is a writer's fame. It's enough to get you a table at a good restaurant, but not enough to get you interrupted when you eat.
--Fran Lebowitz
The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.
--Fran Lebowitz
The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.
--Fran Lebowitz
The terrible state of public education has paid huge dividends in ignorance. Huge.
--Fran Lebowitz
The three questions of greatest concern are: 1) Is it attractive? 2) Is it amusing? 3) Does it know its place?
--Fran Lebowitz
There are only two modes of transport in Los Angeles: car and ambulance.
--Fran Lebowitz
There are too many books, the books are terrible, and this is because you have been taught to have self esteem.
--Fran Lebowitz
There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness and death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.
--Fran Lebowitz
There's no line-item veto in life.
--Fran Lebowitz
There's no such thing as advice to the lovelorn. If they took advice, they wouldn't be lovelorn. You see, advice and lovelorn don't go together. Because advice makes love sound like some sort of cognitive activity, but we know that it isn't. We all know that it's some sort of horrible chemical reaction over which we have absolutely no control. And that's why advice doesn't work.
--Fran Lebowitz
There's nothing about an elevator I like. It's too small. It's filled with people I did not invite. And often these people are wearing conflicting perfumes.
--Fran Lebowitz
To me the outdoors is what you have to pass through in order to get from your apartment into a taxicab.
--Fran Lebowitz
When it comes to sports I am not particularly interested. I look upon them as dangerous and tiring activities performed by people with whom I share nothing except the right to trial by jury.
--Fran Lebowitz
Women who insist upon having the same options as men would do well to consider the option of being the strong, silent type.
--Fran Lebowitz
You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend they do.
--Fran Lebowitz
Your bad habits can kill you... but your good habits won't save you.
--Fran Lebowitz
Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try.
--Fran Lebowitz
Found 61 occurence(s) in 52,059 quotation(s).