A friend of mine does voodoo accupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street, and... Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
--Steven Wright
A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn't first place.
--Steven Wright
A metaphor is like a simile.
--Steven Wright
After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
--Steven Wright
Babies don't need vacations, but I still see them at the beach.
--Steven Wright
Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?
--Steven Wright
Cross-country skiing is great, if you live in a small country.
--Steven Wright
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
--Steven Wright
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
--Steven Wright
Every day I like to put a little time aside and forget about it so at the end of the year I have a few days to myself.
--Steven Wright
Everywhere is walking distance, if you've got the time.
--Steven Wright
Hermits have no peer pressure.
--Steven Wright
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
--Steven Wright
I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backward. Now everywhere I drive, I'm chased by a herd of deer.
--Steven Wright
I believe that God thinks He's God.
--Steven Wright
I bought a decaffeinated coffee table. Can't even tell by looking at it.
--Steven Wright
I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I'm going to get tractors that small.
--Steven Wright
I can levitate birds. No one cares.
--Steven Wright
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
--Steven Wright
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
--Steven Wright
I got a new dog that's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
--Steven Wright
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'm going to use it.
--Steven Wright
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral... in one car.
--Steven Wright
I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day because it means it's going to be up all night.
--Steven Wright
I have a microwave fireplace. You can lay down in front of the fire all night in eight minutes.
--Steven Wright
I have an existential map. It has YOU ARE HERE written all over it.
--Steven Wright
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
--Steven Wright
I like to fill up my tub with water and turn the shower on and pretend I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
--Steven Wright
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
--Steven Wright
I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.'
--Steven Wright
I stayed in a hotel where the pool was on the 23rd floor. I couldn't believe how deep it was.
--Steven Wright
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
--Steven Wright
I was born caesarian although you can't really tell, except when I leave the house I go out through the window.
--Steven Wright
I was lying in bed with my girlfriend and she asked, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said no. She said 'Forget it, then.'
--Steven Wright
I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He used a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
--Steven Wright
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered french toast during the Renaissance.
--Steven Wright
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
--Steven Wright
I'm a peripheral visionary. I can see into the future, but only off to the side.
--Steven Wright
I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.
--Steven Wright
I'm staying in an old hotel. They sent me a wake up letter.
--Steven Wright
I'm working on a plan to take all the salt out of all the oceans. The fish are getting high blood pressure.
--Steven Wright
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
--Steven Wright
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
--Steven Wright
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
--Steven Wright
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm speaking in parentheses.
--Steven Wright
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
--Steven Wright
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
--Steven Wright
If you were traveling in your vehicle at the speed of light and turned your lights on, would it do anything?
--Steven Wright
In relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.
--Steven Wright
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that, I never even thought about killing myself.
--Steven Wright
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
--Steven Wright
My grandmother gave me five dollars and said, 'Don't tell your mother.' I told her, 'It's going to cost you more than that.'
--Steven Wright
My grandmother was insane. She had pierced hearing aids.
--Steven Wright
My hobby is not committing suicide.
--Steven Wright
My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.'
--Steven Wright
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
--Steven Wright
Next week I'm going to have an MRI to see whether or not I have claustrophobia.
--Steven Wright
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
--Steven Wright
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
--Steven Wright
The earth is bipolar.
--Steven Wright
The first time I read the dictionary I thought it was a poem about everything.
--Steven Wright
The temperature in any room is room temperature.
--Steven Wright
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
--Steven Wright
They say you're not supposed put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
--Steven Wright
We had a quicksand box in our back yard. I was an only child, eventually.
--Steven Wright
What's another word for 'thesaurus?'
--Steven Wright
When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything.
--Steven Wright
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
--Steven Wright
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
--Steven Wright
Found 69 occurence(s) in 52,059 quotation(s).