A choice between Democrats or Republicans is like a choice between paper or plastic.
A happy childhood is the worst possible preparation for life.
A lot of politicians manage to be important without being significant.
All my adult life I've been in the practice of giving advice to people who are happier than I am.
Always respect your superiors, if you have any.
An artist is anyone who's ahead of his time and behind on his rent.
An editor's job is to take something great and make it good.
But if you're paranoid long enough, sooner or later you're gonna be right.
Cats, as a rule, don't like lawyers. They have great insight into human character.
Elected officials should be limited to two terms: one in office and one in prison.
Every time you see a beautiful woman, just remember, somebody got tired of her S**t.
Everybody I admire died with no money.
Everything great was created by people who don't feel well.
Find what you like, and let it kill you.
How can you look at the Texas legislature and still believe in intelligent design?
I don't apologize to people with an agenda.
I even went so far as to become a Southern Baptist for a while, until I realized that they didn't hold 'em under long enough.
I just want Texas to be number one in something other than executions, toll roads and property taxes.
I'd often felt that a man without a woman was like a neck without a pain.
I'm ready for anything. That's probably why it never happens.
I'm too young for Medicare and too old for women to care.
If you don't love Jesus- go to hell!
If you fail at something long enough you become a legend.
If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There's always time to be humble later, once you've been proven horrendously, irrevocably wrong.
If you're paranoid long enough, sooner or later you're gonna be right.
If you're patient and you wait long enough, something will usually happen and it'll usually be something you don't like.
In six days the Lord created the heavens and the earth and all the wonders therein. There are some of us who feel that He might have taken just a little more time.
Man's ability to delude himself is infinite.
May the God of your choice bless you.
Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail.
Musicians can run this state better than politicians. We won't get a lot done in the mornings, but we'll work late and be honest.
No one's ever won the human race, but guys like Abbie Hoffman sometimes make it fun to watch. Every hamster doesn't ride the wheel.
On the whole, I preferred cats to women because cats seldom if ever used the word 'relationship.'
Politics is the only field of human endeavor where the more experience you have, the worse you get.
Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.
The Democrats and Republicans are the same guy admiring himself in the mirror.
The distance between the limousine and the gutter is a short one.
The first thing I'll do if elected is demand a recount.
The folks in Mississippi are saying, 'Thank God for Texas.'
There are more inspirational people in music than there are in politics.
There are no good lawyers. There may be lady wrestlers and Catholic universities. There may be military intelligence. But a good lawyer is a contradiction in terms.
There is a difference between who is important and who is significant.
There's a fine line between fiction and non-fiction and I think I snorted it somewhere in 1979.
They say God created whiskey to keep the Irish from taking over the world.
We've got to clear some of the room out of the prisons so we can put the bad guys in there, like the pedophiles and the politicians.
Well, I hate to be the one to take the flyswatter to Tinker Bell, but...
Well, I just said that Jesus and I were both Jewish and that neither of us ever had a job, we never had a home, we never married and we traveled around the countryside irritating people.
Whether your destination is heaven or hell, you always have to change planes in Dallas.
You don't accomplish much by swimming with the mainstream. Hell, a dead fish can do that.
You never marry the person you first see 'Casablanca' with.
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