KGB Report by Kevin G. Barkes

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(July 2000 and earlier)

Saturday, May 20, 2006
posted by KGB at 9:37 AM (permalink)

Almost heaven... South Dakota?

(via "bobgnome" on the Usenet alt.quotations newsgroup.)

Issued by the South Dakota Tourism Bureau to all visitors:

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Al's Oasis. It's a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the ladies in the kitchen they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Wall, Murdo, etc.) or we will just have to kick your ass.

3) Don't order a bottle or a can of soda here. Here it's called "pop." Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hicks or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense. You have to make a living here. Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in judgment from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick her ass.

6) Don't laugh at our giant fiberglass cows and our turtles made out of car parts. Anything that inspires tourists to buy 50,000 postcards can't be bad. And in Rapid City don't point at the genitalia on the giant plastic dinosaur or we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut the hell up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your ass.

8) Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone will instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your steak well-done like God intended and have some potatoes with that, for heaven's sake! Also, don't ask what a hot dish is or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't try to fake a Dakota accent. We don't have an accent. Do not mention the movie "Fargo" because that wasn't us. That will incite a riot and you will get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know better. Many of us have visited big-city hell-holes like Detroit, New York, and Minneapolis, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Interstate 90 is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets kicked.

11) Don't complain that South Dakota is flat and that there aren't enough trees. If you whine about our scenic beauty we'll kick your ass all the way back to Milwaukee.

12) Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when spoken to. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet, little gray-haired grandmothers or they will kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

13) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live on the prairie? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or LA. Make fun of our fresh air and we'll kick your ass.

14) Writing it "Sue Falls" is not a joke. Your ass will be kicked.

15) Last, but not least, do not dare to come out here and tell us how the prairie should "go back to the buffalo." This will get your ass shot (right after it is kicked). Just mention this once and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your ass.

Enjoy your trip!

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Friday, May 19, 2006
posted by KGB at 4:06 AM (permalink)

Oh my. CC will have some 'splainin' to do...

Sigh.

I suspect that our inside guy at the Central Intelligence Agency, The Covert Comic, is going to be the subject of one of the CIA's famous administrative whatchamacallits after they get a load of his posting this week:

("bin Hayden")

Veteran Intelligence Professionals for Insanity opposes the latest thumb-head nominee to lead CIA. Just like we oppose every nominee to lead CIA. CIA doesn't need anyone to lead it- we can have our intelligence reporting and analysis routinely butchered by the White House without the help of a bunch of clueless senior executives, thank you very much!

Contact your local NSA official and let him/her know you agree with Veteran Intelligence Professionals for Insanity! (Note: to 'come in contact' with NSA you don't need to do anything- simply continue viewing this web site.)

Veteran Intelligence Professionals for Insanity is a group of unconcerned CIA officers who regularly read The Covert Comic and do real intelligence work. The real work they do is really classified, and really helps in the War on Terror. Veteran Intelligence Professionals for Insanity believe that what you do know can hurt you, 'cause it'll make you laugh so hard your sides ache

(Disclaimer: Veteran Intelligence Professionals for Insanity is for the most part unaffiliated with Veteran Intelligence Professionals for Sanity. Hardly any of our members know those guys personally and trained with them down at the Farm back in the 1980's.)

Click HERE to support Veteran Intelligence Professionals for Insanity! Proceeds go to members of the US Military getting shot at in Iraq, and/or their families. You're welcome, America!

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Thursday, May 18, 2006
posted by KGB at 10:43 AM (permalink)

You know, Pat, The Weather Channel doesn't make Rapture forecasts...

VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. (AP) - In another in a series of notable pronouncements, religious broadcaster Pat Robertson says God told him storms and possibly a tsunami will hit America's coastline this year.

Robertson has made the predictions at least four times in the past two weeks on his news-and-talk television show "The 700 Club" on the Christian Broadcasting Network, which he founded.

Robertson said the revelations about this year's weather came to him during his annual personal prayer retreat in January.

"If I heard the Lord right about 2006, the coasts of America will be lashed by storms," Robertson said May 8. On Wednesday, he added, "There well may be something as bad as a tsunami in the Pacific Northwest."

Robertson has come under intense criticism in recent months for suggesting that American agents should assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez and that Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's stroke was divine retribution for Israel's pullout from the Gaza Strip.

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posted by KGB at 7:42 AM (permalink)

There's art, and then there's art....

This guy is a forced perspective genius. Work safe. Enjoy.

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Wednesday, May 17, 2006
posted by KGB at 7:33 PM (permalink)

Quote of the day

"He's so far inside the closet, he's in Narnia."
(Overhead in New York)

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posted by KGB at 7:33 AM (permalink)

Disturbing theory

I have problems with conspiracy theories, because they require two gigantic leaps of faith: one, that the government is competent enough to flawlessly coordinate complex covert operations, and two, that it can somehow manage to keep its activities secret.

That said, this documentary, Loose Change-Second Edition, makes a fascinating argument that the events of 9/11 weren't the actions of terrorists, but of the U.S. government.

(via Devin Pike on the ABC World News Now Google group wnndl@googlegroups.com)

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posted by KGB at 7:16 AM (permalink)

Something to consider...

As Jay Leno noted the other night, the NSA's extensive call record monitoring isn't totally foolproof. What if the next batch of terrorists are Amish? Then we're really screwed...

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Tuesday, May 16, 2006
posted by KGB at 3:03 PM (permalink)

"Down Under" superiority

You have to admire a government that allows you to search online for the location of public toilets. By spatial coordinates even, if you have a GPS and an urgent need...

(via Rafal M. Sulejman)

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posted by KGB at 9:10 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

From The Borowitz Report

"Elsewhere, surgeons who successfully separated conjoined twins over the weekend said they failed to separate Sen. John McCain's lips from Jerry Falwell's ass."

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Monday, May 15, 2006
posted by KGB at 6:18 AM (permalink)

Diagonally parked in a parallel universe...

Former Vice President Al Gore made a stunning appearance on NBC's Saturday Night Live last weekend, combining equal parts of irony, satire, and charmingly self-deprecating humor in a sketch destined to become a classic.

It was a marvelous end to a week in which the wheels, bumpers, fenders and engine fell out of the Bush machine, much like the Bluesmobile in front of Chicago City Hall in the original Blues Brothers film. It makes me feel my cockeyed optimism is not without merit.

Anyway, back to Gore- the premise of the opening bit was that there are scores of parallel universes, and in one of them, Gore won the Presidency, was re-elected to a second term, and is addressing the people of the United States on current pressing issues:

(See the video (a 10 megabyte download) at Crooks and Liars)

Announcer: And now, a message from the President of the United States.

President Al Gore: Good evening, my fellow Americans.

In 2000, when you overwhelmingly made the decision to elect me as your 43rd President, I knew the road ahead would be difficult. We have accomplished so much, yet challenges lie ahead.

In the last six years we have been able to stop global warming. No one could have predicted the negative results of this. Glaciers that once were melting are now on the attack.

As you know, these renegade glaciers have already captured parts of upper Michigan and northern Maine, but I assure you: we will not let the glaciers win.

Right now, in the second week of May 2006, we are facing perhaps the worst gas crisis in history.

We have way too much gasoline.

Gas is down to $0.19 a gallon and the oil companies are hurting.

I know that I am partly to blame by insisting that cars run on trash.

I am therefore proposing a federal bailout to our oil companies because- hey, if it were the other way around, you know the oil companies would help us.

On a positive note, we worked hard to save welfare, fix Social Security and, of course, provide the free universal health care we all enjoy today.

But all this came at a high cost. As I speak, the gigantic national budget surplus is down to a perilously low $11 trillion dollars.

And don't get any ideas- that money is staying in the very successful lockbox. We're not touching it.

Of course, we could give economic aid to China, or lend money to the Saudis... again.

But right now we're already so loved by everyone in the world that American tourists can't even go over to Europe anymore without getting hugged.

There are some of you that want to spend our money on some made-up war. To you I say: what part of " lockbox" don't you understand?

What if there's a hurricane or a tornado? Unlikely, I know, because of the anti- hurricane and tornado machine I was instrumental in helping to develop.

But... what if? What if the scientists are right and one of those giant glaciers hits Boston? That's why we have the lockbox!

As for immigration, solving that came at a heavy cost, and I personally regret the loss of California. However, the new Mexifornian economy is strong and El Presidente Schwarznegger is doing a great job.

There have been some setbacks. Unfortunately, the confirmation process for Supreme Court Justice Michael Moore was bitter and devisive. However, I could not be more proud of how the House and Senate pulled together to confirm the nomination of Chief Justice George Clooney.

Baseball, our national pasttime, still lies under the shadow of steroid accusations. But I have faith in baseball commissioner George W. Bush when he says, "We will find the steroid users if we have to tap every phone in America!"

In 2001 when I came into office, our national security was the most important issue. The threat of terrorism was real.

Who knew that six years later, Afghanistan would be the most popular Spring Break destination? Or that Six Flags Tehran is the fastest growing amusement park in the Middle East?

And the scariest thing we Americans have to fear is... Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!

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Sunday, May 14, 2006
posted by KGB at 1:42 PM (permalink)

Mother's Day quote of the.. uh.. day

The National Security Agency reminds everyone to call Mom today. They need to calibrate their system.
(via Bruce Schneier on Dave Farber's Interesting Persons list.)

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posted by KGB at 5:53 AM (permalink)

Quote of the day

Sometimes fate hits you with the Clown Hammer of Circumstance and there's nothing to do but sit there and watch the little birds fly around your head.
-Tara Calishain

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Violators will be prosecuted.
So there.
The kgb@kgb.com e-mail address is now something other than kgb@kgb.com saga.
kgbreport.com used to be kgb.com until December, 2007 when the domain name broker Trout Zimmer made an offer I couldn't refuse. Giving up kgb.com and adopting kgbreport.com created a significant problem, however. I had acquired the kgb.com domain name in 1993, and had since that time used kgb@kgb.com as my sole e-mail address. How to let people know that kgb@kgb.com was no longer kgb@kgb.com but rather kgbarkes@gmail.com which is longer than kgb@kgb.com and more letters to type than kgb@kgb.com and somehow less aesthetically pleasing than kgb@kgb.com but actually just as functional as kgb@kgb.com? I sent e-mails from the kgb@kgb.com address to just about everybody I knew who had used kgb@kgb.com in the past decade and a half but noticed that some people just didn't seem to get the word about the kgb@kgb.com change. So it occurred to me that if I were generate some literate, valid text in which kgb@kgb.com was repeated numerous times and posted it on a bunch of different pages- say, a blog indexed by Google- that someone looking for kgb@kgb.com would notice this paragraph repeated in hundreds of locations, would read it, and figure out that kgb@kgb.com no longer is the kgb@kgb.com they thought it was. That's the theory, anyway. kgb@kgb.com. Ok, I'm done. Move along. Nothing to see here...